Losing to Win

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2011-03-03T17:12:00.000-05:00

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Losing to Win

Thursday Review: Good Earth Sweet & Spicy Herbal Tea

2011-03-03T17:03:00.001-05:00

Years ago, my pilates instructor recommended this tea to me and I fell in love with it instantly. I recently rediscovered it and have been craving it daily. I tend to stay away from caffeine after lunch during the week so I love that they also offer a caffeine free herbal blend.

Ingredients: Red Rooibos, Chicory Root, Natural Flavors, Rosehips, Cinnamon, Lemongrass, Peppermint, Papaya, Chamomile, Panax Ginseng, Anise Seed, Dandelion Root, Ginger Root, Orange Oil, Orange Peel.

With quite a varied and interesting list of ingredients, this tea could certainly go either way. Either blend spectacularly or taste like the equivalent of a train wreck in a mug. Luckily for you and me, it works deliciously!

Aroma: The tea steeps quickly and even though they advise 3-4 minutes, within a minute you can really smell the tea. I usually brew it for 2-3 minutes and the flavors are all really present. The longer you steep, the spicier and sweeter the tea becomes.

Before you even take a sip, the aromas draw you in. Intensely cinnamon with a hint of mint underneath, I anticipate my first sip every time I brew this!

Taste: As promised at first sniff, the scent of the cinnamon represents a huge flavor boost to the tea. The spiciness of the cinnamon blends with a subtle peppermint and anise flavor, with the ginger and papaya peeking through. The tea is fairly sweet, as the name implies. You may wonder if there has been a sweetener added, but the tea is as is. Delicious, sweet and spicy.

Recommendation: Perfect for cinnamon lovers! Give it a try, you won't be disappointed.

Sicky sick

2011-03-03T16:46:00.000-05:00

After battling a cold for the last week, I'm finally feeling better and actually faced the treadmill for a run today. I was feeling anxious as the last time I tried to run, my legs felt like tree trunks and I could barely run for a minute.

But I had a FANTASTIC workout today. I felt good, I felt strong, my breathing was even and my body felt happy to be working hard. Just what I had hoped for!

At the time of that less-than-stellar workout last week, I didn't realize what was going on. But the heavy legs and the desire to slow down made me feel insecure. I felt "fat" and I felt "lazy". Of course as I looked deeper and tried to see the positives, it was just that my body was fighting something off and I was getting sick. But I struggled to stay positive and keep telling myself that the tired heaviness was not about my fitness level or my weight loss success, but it was solely my body telling me to slow down and get some rest.

So often in the past I've heard the saying that your body is a machine. Give it the chance to work for you and it won't let you down. More than ever I believe this and live this now. It's amazing the things I can accomplish when I simply ask my body to do something and believe that it can. Sure, sometimes I have to work up to a certain thing. But it's there to work hard and to feel good. And I'm grateful for that.

Big day

2011-02-09T18:25:00.000-05:00

Today I:

- Made it to the orange level on Nike+

- Hit my 10% weight loss (from my original and highest weight ever)

- Realized it's been almost 6 weeks since I've binged

- Wore a size 12 pair of pants

Not bad for a cold day in February!

Day Zero List - 1001 things to do in 101 days

2011-01-24T10:53:00.003-05:00

	So many of you have inspired me to do my own Day Zero list These are 101 things I'd like to try to accomplish/try/do in 1001 days. Starting Date - January 24, 2011 Day to Complete - October 21, 2013 Those in progress are in italics Those completed are in red Creativity
1	Take a photography class
2	Learn how to play my banjo
3	Do a 365 photo project
4	Attend a knitting meet-up
5	Learn how to crochet
6	Learn how to use my sewing machine
7	Take a photo of myself every day for a month
8	Complete knitting a pair of socks
9	Hand make Christmas gifts for everyone
10	Paint something I can hang on the wall
	Self
11	Get married (this one's easy, but SO important and exciting!)
12	Go without internet for 24 hours
13	Pay off credit cards
14	Have a conversation fully in French
15	Wear makeup every day for a week
16	Volunteer at the community garden
17	Apply to nursing school
18	Volunteer at the hospital
19	Save at least $3,000
20	Write a personal letter or thank you card once a day for a month
21	Move to a house that has a fenced in yard
22	Blog at least once a week for a year
23	Create a vision board
24	Organize my dressing room
25	Give away all the clothes that no longer fit me. Don't hold onto them for sentimental reasons!
26	Keep the kitchen table completely cleared off for a month
27	Have people over to our house for dinner
28	Have my nieces over for a sleepover/dance party
29	Have boudoir photos taken
30	Have a dress designed and custom made just for me
31	Go without TV/Netflix/Hulu for 48 hours while at home
32	Track my weight loss by taking full-body pictures once a month
33	Track my weight loss by taking my measurements once a month
34	Take my mother on a lighthouse tour
35	Get my teeth whitened
36	Try meditation
37	Write my 2011 self a letter from my 2012 self
38	Travel to Europe
39	Take a road trip
40	Spend a night in a treehouse
41	Pay off my public library fine!
42	Write a poem a week for 3 months
43	Write my will
44	Get life insurance
45	Take a girls' trip
46	Go to the Peabody-Essex Museum
47	See a play
48	Keep my bedroom floor uncluttered for two weeks straight!
49	Sleep on a houseboat
	Health and Fitness
50	Go to spin class every week for a month
51	Go ice skating
52	Go another month without processed foods
53	Get a physical
54	Have an eye exam (instead of waiting another 7 years!)
55	Try rollerblading
56	Try wearing contact lenses
57	Floss every day for a month
58	Complete the C25K training program
59	Wear a bikini in a public place
60	Try a BodyVive class
61	Take a beginner yoga workshop (Rasamaya Yoga workshop - February 2011)
62	Go on an overnight backpacking hike
63	Go swimming at the local lap pool
64	Hike one of the Presidential mountains in NH
65	Take another rock climbing course
66	Go to the indoor rock climbing gym
67	Run a mile
68	Run a 5K
69	Go to the gym every day for a week
70	Ride my bike to work
71	Go cross-country skiing
	Food
72	Bake 4 different types of yeast breads
73	Make coq au vin from Julia Child's cookbook
74	Learn to make a great salad dressing from scratch
75	Try one new fruit a month for a year
76	Don’t eat out for a month
77	Have friends over for a dinner party
78	Go to a wine tasting at a local winery
79	Join a CSA
80	Go to a cheese class
81	Eat only locally grown/made food for a day
82	Make a recipe from at least every cookbook I own
83	Make and decorate gingerbread men from scratch
84	Make grilled pizza
85	Learn to make yogurt
86	Take dinner leftovers to work for lunch for a week
87	Make ice cream
88	Plant a vegetable garden on my patio
89	Eat at the dining room table every night for a week
90	Take a cooking class
	Being a Good Do-Bee
91	Pay for the person behind me at a toll booth
92	Do "trail magic" on the Appalachian Trail
93	Spend a vacation day volunteering on a project
94	Leave a 100% tip
95	Plant a tree
96	Throw a Naked Lady party and donate all the extra clothes to a woman's shelter
97	Write a letter to the editor
98	Donate an amount of money that makes me feel uncomfortable
99	Fill someone's freezer
100	Volunteer at a soup kitchen
101	Donate money to my alma mater (completed: Jan 2011)

Recipe Ready: Vegetable Barley Soup

2011-01-12T11:24:00.000-05:00

This is a quick and easy vegetable barley soup you can make as below, or substitute veggies and grains based on what you have in your refrigerator and your pantry.

8 cups of fat-free, reduced sodium chicken broth OR vegetable broth
1 cup canned carrots (drained) OR two whole carrots (peeled and sliced)
1 cup canned or frozen peas
1 cup canned or frozen lima beans (drained)
15 oz can of diced tomatoes, including juice
1 cup canned chickpeas (drained)
1/2 cup uncooked barley
1/2 diced onion, or 2 tbsp dried minced onion
1 tsp garlic powder
3 bay leaves
2 tsp salt (add more as you cook, to taste)
1 tsp fresh ground pepper (add more as you cook, to taste)
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp sugar (reduces the acidity from the tomatoes)
1 tsp paprika

Combine all ingredients in a large soup pot and bring to a boil. Cover and reduce heat to medium. Simmer for 60-90 minutes and serve.
You can make the soup thinner by adding more broth or thicker by upping the barley to 1 cup.

(This soup makes 7 servings - 2 cups per serving. Total PointsPlus value per serving is 4.)

Couch to 5K - Week 2

2011-01-11T11:50:00.001-05:00

T2
The fab folks over at the Couch to 5K site have even posted a handy treadmill version of the plan so you don't have to think at all - just run!

Headed off to the gym for the first of three days of this workout:

00:00-5:00: Warmup walk
5:00-6:30: Run
6:30-8:30: Walk
8:30-10:00: Run
10:00-12:00: Walk
12:00-13:30: Run
13:30-15:30: Walk
15:30-17:00: Run
17:00-19:00: Walk
19:00-20:30: Run
20:30-22:30: Walk
22:30-24:00: Run
24:00-26:00: Walk
26:00-30:00: Cooldown Walk

Slow and steady wins the race?

2011-01-11T10:32:00.001-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how to achieve my weight loss goals lately. How to focus on the here and now and the baby steps rather than seeing this giant looming number (60 lbs!). Previously and repeatedly, I would plan for an exact date I need to reach that goal or else I should consider myself a failure. I never took into account life, schedules, cold and flu season, exam weeks, anything that could possibly hinder my perfect plan.

What that meant for me is that if I had a bad week or two, I would give up and declare myself a loser, a failure, not fit for even trying. And I did this to myself over and over and over again, never really learning that this wasn't the way to achieve anything. But I finally realize now that by focusing on the place I'm at, week by week, I'm making strides towards the bigger goal.

I started the Couch to 5K program last week and am really enjoying it. I'm actually enjoying the process of taking the time for myself to go to the gym, get on the treadmill and check out for a half hour while I accomplish a goal. A goal of FINISHING one piece at a time.

Last week I was dealing with a lot of anxiety - work, wedding planning, school, hormones. It was all a little too much for me and I was cracking a bit. But in spite of that, I still completed Week 1 of the C25K program, I still tracked every bite of food I consumed, I still lost weight. I realized that the anxiety was only going to get worse if I didn't treat myself well. So when I was feeling rotten, I'd go to the gym and bust out a few miles on the treadmill. Or I'd eat a handful of raspberries instead of a bag of chips. I gave myself the gift of health and it made me feel better!

I know that I have to just be patient with myself and give me the room and time to achieve my goals. Some weeks will be tough, but some weeks will be great. And it's taken me 32 years to get here, I can't turn it around overnight. But I'll keep trying because I deserve it!

Stretching after a C25K workout on the treadmill.

2011 Goals and Guidelines for Success

2010-12-31T10:13:00.001-05:00

Since just listing a bunch of goals with no practical steps to achieve them has never served me well, I decided to really think about what I wanted from this year and how I plan to get there.

2010 brought about a lot of changes for me and was overall a positive year full of growth. I want to continue to be grateful, to continue to be happy as I've learned to do in 2010.

In 2011, I'm also getting married to the love of my life. Above all, my goal is to enjoy every moment of the process - not overwhelm myself with stress over the elopement and party. This is about us....not all the stressful details!

Here they are, my 7 goals for 2011.

Fitness/Health

Run a 5K
How will I get there?
1. Continue with C25K program (9 weeks or however long it takes me!)
2. Register for local race – looking at Great Bay Race on April 2nd
3. Complete my first 5K!

Lose 35 pounds
How will I get there?
1. Continue with WeightWatchers and monitoring how and what I eat
2. Go to a WW meeting every week
3. Gym/workout – be active at least 5 days per week, 30 min per day

Honor my body by feeding it well
How will I get there?
1. Remember that binges might happen – figure out why it’s happening, forgive myself and move on
2. Be conscious of how I eat, what I eat and how it makes me feel
3. As I lose weight, notice the positive health effects and changes I experience
4. Cook at least one vegetarian dinner per week

Education/Career

Kick Anatomy & Physiology 2’s butt and end the semester with an A!
How will I get there?
1. Set aside 8-10 hours each week for studying – create a study plan and stick to it
2. See the tutor at least 2x a month (not just before exams!)
3. Utilize open lab times

Get an A in English composition
How will I get there?
1. Set aside 8-10 hours each week for studying – create a study plan and stick to it
2. Utilize the writing center

Take the pre-entrance exam for nursing school
How will I get there?
1. Already registered for January 22nd

Apply to nursing school
How will I get there?
1. Continue to research the programs I’m interested in
2. Decide on professional references and ask them
3. Meet with reps from each school to get advice/input on application
4. Work on essay and get help/feedback on the process
5. Know that this may be just practice, and KEEP TRYING!

Joining the Pumpkin Oatmeal Craze

2010-12-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

I'm so far behind on this whole oatmeal craze, especially the pumpkin oatmeal craze. But...I've finally joined the cool kids and made my own. And now I wonder what I was waiting for! This is a delicious, filling and nutritious way to start the day and I'm sure I'll be converting to oatmeal for breakfast for the entire winter.

Quick and Easy Pumpkin Oatmeal

1 cup milk
1 cup water
Pinch of salt
1 cup old-fashioned oats
1 tbsp raw sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 cup canned pumpkin

Bring milk, water and pinch of salt to a boil over high heat. Once boiling, add the oatmeal and sugar and bring to another boil.

Turn the heat down to medium and simmer for 2-3 minutes. Add pumpkin, cinnamon and nutmeg and cook for another 5-6 minutes.

Let stand for a few minutes to thicken. Garnish with pecans and serve.
Makes 6 servings (1/2 cup each).

The Big Day Diet

2010-10-31T14:49:00.001-04:00

I'm struggling with the notion that now that I'm engaged, there's an expectation that I'm supposed to obsess about my weight, my goal weight, multiple daily workouts and a magical dress size that I'm supposed to fit into by next summer.

Sure, I want to continue to eat healthy and make good choices and continue recovering from my eating disorder and to take care of my body. That's what I want more than anything. And that's what I'm focused on - the baby steps it takes for long-term good health.

So I'm afraid this whole obsession that brides seem to get about THE perfect dress (that they see on a model that looks nothing like ME) and THE perfect weight are going to take over. It hasn't yet, but I want to make sure I continue to make the choices I'm making for the long haul....and not just because I'm getting married and I have unrealistic expectations of what my body should look look like on one particular day.

The commitment I'm making to my health right now mimics quite closely the commitment I'm making to my fiance. For the rest of my life, I promise to love my body every day, to make decisions about it's health and happiness every day. I promise to not give up in the difficult times, and not take it for granted when things seem to be sailing along smoothly.

How do you quiet "The Big Day Diet Voice"?

Shrinkvivor Challenge - Day 1

2010-09-15T09:46:00.000-04:00

Kick ass. Time to start the Shrinkvivor challenge that was created by the fab team over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. You can follow the progress of the Tribes here.

I had my first weigh-in this morning and the challenge will continue through November 3rd. That gives me 7 weigh-ins to find myself DEEP into onederland (never to look back at this weight I'm currently at!). Yee haw, here goes. I'm definitely going to hit my 10% loss milestone and hopefully even my 25 lbs milestone! If I push really hard, I might even make it halfway to goal.

I'm excited to see the fitness challenges posed to us by the Shrinkvivor peeps. I need to shake things up a bit in terms of exercise and motivation.

My plan is to keep following WeightWatchers for tracking food. I'm also going to up my exercise by and I'm contemplating signing up for a 5K on Thanksgiving. I am going to give myself a week to decide. I like having a goal around the holidays that's positive and not focused around family stress or food!

Goal One - Be the Ultimate Shrinkvivor! There's some fantastic prizes to sweeten the pot.
Goal Two - Have a blast trying.

Lose-a-palooza - WeightWatchers Lose for Good Campaign

2010-09-14T16:42:00.000-04:00

Join in with WeightWatchers for their one day giving fest to encourage participation in the Lose for Good campaign.

For ever mention of Lose for Good made today, WeightWatchers will donate $1 (up to $60,000) to Share our Strength and Action Against Hunger.

To learn more, visit WeightWatchers.com/LoseForGood. or Lose-a-Palooza

What a lucky girl

2010-09-14T15:02:00.002-04:00

One of the reasons I love my boyfriend so much - he always makes me laugh. Here's an exchange we had on gchat earlier today:

Me: I'm bored of all my music.

Him: you should listen to Lamb of God radio on Pandora

Me: Eww, nope. I'm not that bored.

Him: But you cold bang your head for all to see

Me: I'm not good at headbanging. Or the devil horns thing

Him: don't be so hard on yourself

Me: You're always so supportive.

Apparently he can support me with my weight loss efforts, my crazy days AND my attempts to rock out to metal.

Oh, what a guy.

(Seventies party - March 2010. Y had lost the wig and I'd lost my sunglasses by this point!)

Body Image Warrior - When You Revert Back to Your Mean Self

2010-09-13T12:31:00.006-04:00

Cakie Belle posted a fantastically thoughtful and honest letter to her size 12 body today over on her blog. It really struck me intensely as I'm having one of those days where I ate a little too much over the weekend (OK, a lot too much) and am expecting only a .2 lb loss tomorrow at weigh in. I'm feeling like my motivation and resolve is a little lessened and that I'm headed for another "failure".

I noticed this morning that my brown corduroy pants didn't fit me (there was no reason they should), how my arms are flabbier in the tricep area than they used to be, and that my stomach is a little larger than I wish it were. Just last week, actually just 2 days ago I was noticing that my stomach seemed a little flatter, that I had more energy than I've had in weeks, that I'm so proud of how well I've been doing and how good I feel.

Why does one bad day, and one slow week of weight loss, send me backwards into a forfetful haze where I revert back to beating myself up instead of dusting myself off and moving on? Why do I become mean and hateful and disparaging?

Cakie Bell has it right that instead of looking down and seeing the negative, I need to remind myself that this body I have is amazing. It's MINE and it's gotten me here, in spite of the abuse I've slung at it and the junk I've fed it for days on end at times. This is a day I should be grateful. Grateful that even though my head's not in it, my body's not going to quit me. Not today!

Recipe Box: Kale Chips

2010-09-12T17:03:00.005-04:00

Since we’ve been seeing kale chips in the stores and reading about them everywhere (like on Kath Eats Real Food), I decided to try this healthy snack craze for ourselves. Y is someone who would give up all food for chips if given the choice, so he was seriously craving something salty and crunchy about halfway through the 10 Day Real Food Pledge. When we saw a bunch of kale at the local farm stand, we decided it was time.

We just did a basic version with olive oil and salt, but next time I might add some variety with something like parmesan chips, tamari or crushed red pepper. Because, yes, I will DEFINITELY be making these again! They are crispy, salty and a fun snack. Of course they're not just like potato chips, but they're interesting and healthy and definitely satisfy cravings for salty and crunchy munchies.

My one complaint about these is that they did leave a strong aftertaste. Not bad, just very kale-y. You've been warned! I guess it's the trade-off for the snackfest I had.

Basic Kale Chips

1 bunch kale
2 tsp olive oil
1 tsp salt (I used sea salt)

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350˚ F

Wash the kale, remove thick stems and tear into bite sized pieces and then dry completely in a salad spinner.

Prepare a cookie sheet with parchment paper and spread the kale on paper. Sprinkle with olive oil and salt. Bake until the kale is crispy and the edges are just browned, about 10-15 minutes.

Serves 4
Points per serving: 2

Sober Eating

2010-09-10T10:46:00.003-04:00

Since I've cut out refined grains and refined sugars for the last 10 days, I've been feeling pretty amazing physically. I haven't had any strong cravings, no physical urges to binge and have been getting more an more sensitive to the subtle tastes of food -sweetness of carrots has increased, the complexity of flavors seems more obvious to me. Eating this way has been a pleasure, an adventure and mostly, as cheesy as it sounds, a gift to myself and my health.

I was talking to my crazy lady about how good it feels to eat well, how easy it seems this time around. I also mentioned how I've been more moody than normal. She thought maybe this is a direct reaction to not having binges and binge trigger foods to mask some of the emotions I would normally need to feel and deal with directly. She also thought that it might seem easy because I've drawn a line in the sand with the refined foods. That for me, this might be my version of "sober eating". That I might need to continue to do this to allow my body to adjust to feeling good and using food for fuel and nourishment as opposed to using it mostly as a drug.

The concept of sober eating was new to me, but as soon as she used that term, I completely understood what she meant. It seemed such a fitting term for how I should aim to eat and what I need to do as part of my recovery from this eating disorder. I had never thought of myself as seeking out sobriety. I don't have an issue with drugs or alcohol, which I usually equate with the concept of sobriety. But I do have an addictive issue with food and bingeing, and have been using something similar to addiction counseling to deal with my food issues. So this idea of sobriety and sober eating really put a new frame of thinking for me.

And how amazing that I've been not only free from binges for two weeks now, but free from even the URGE to binge?? When I've been eating clean (i.e., "sober"), it hasn't been a struggle at all and I haven't had to make any decisions about bingeing or not...it just hasn't come up. Yes, I've been a bit moody, a bit sensitive, a bit sad. But I haven't been any of those things enough to drive me into a binge. Or to pull down my strength enough to make me consider a binge. I've just felt like I'm getting stronger, getting closer to the way I want to live my life. The way I WILL live my life. I'm doing it now. I would have never been able to do this even a year ago.... After 3 days max eating like this, I would have turned it into a control issue and binged privately and grandly.

I don't think I will continue on forever without another urge to binge. Life gets tough, I have my fallbacks and my coping mechanisms that aren't always the best. But for now, since I've found something that seems to be working, I'm going to give it a try for the long haul.

My goal is to do an 85-15 eating plan. What I mean by this is that 85% of the food I eat will be sober foods - no refined grains, no refined sweeteners, as few unprocessed foods as possible. Just real food. There's no reason I can't do this when I'm shopping and cooking for myself. The 15% comes in when visiting friends and family, out to dinner, away from home.

I'm going to think more about this idea of sober eating and clean living as it relates to the bingeing and the way my body feels. So far, I think I might be onto something.

Shake it off

2010-09-07T15:23:00.003-04:00

I'm not really sure what's going on with me this past week but I'm moody and a little down. Everything's fine - I'm losing weight, eating healthy, being active, enjoying my class, feeling productive on the Board, excited for some upcoming plans....everything's really fine. So why am I feeling kind of sad and slow?

I need to shake this off or figure it out before I derail myself and get off track. I'm trying to feel good about the fact that I'm aware of it and trying to change it...but the hint of instability is starting to concern me.

Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed by everything I have going on? Good stress is stress too and I've never been good at being able to distinguish the two types.

Maybe I'm just nervous about everything going well and I'm looking for ways to doubt my successes or to self-sabotage?

I have to remind myself that this state of success is OK. It's natural and I deserve it. I deserve to be successful.

I deserve it. I'm working hard for it. And it's all mine. No one can take it away from me.

Looks like I've just tapped into the root of it. I'm scared. Scared of feeling good and having things go well. Scared of believing that I'm worth it. That I'm good enough. That I'm more than just OK.

This week I'll keep reminding myself that the only person that can ruin this is me. My doubt and my fears can either motivate me to work harder, or they can derail me completely.

I think I'll choose the former.

I CAN DO THIS!

Motivate Monday

2010-09-06T10:28:00.004-04:00

Happy labor day. Love having the day off, sleeping in and getting caught up on everything.

I sneaked a peak at the scale this morning, even though my official weigh-in day is on Tuesday. I'm down 3.4 pounds from last week! It could be that I'm a little dehydrated, but mostly it's that I've been really focused and working my b-u-t-t- off this week! Thanks in no small part either to the 10 Days of Real Food Pledge that Y and I have been doing since September 1st. Our bodies are liking it...very, very much!

Quick Real Foods Pledge Update:

I have been really committed to this and haven't "cheated" once - no refined grains, no refined sweeteners, nothing processed, nothing fake. I don't feel like we're eating hugely differently than how we did before...it's been much easier than it might be for some. But I do realize how much we're both very aware of what we're reaching for. As someone who's struggled with binge eating disorder for years, I'm actually happy to be rid of the binge foods entirely. My binge foods (and I'm guessing most other bingers agree) are all the refined grains and sweeteners - the ones that spike your blood sugar quickly, leaving you numb and floaty and "high" until later when you crash and just feel worse.

Y doesn't struggle with weight issues or food issues and it can be refreshing to live with someone who's got such a neutral normal take on food. But, he has been appreciating the real foods we've been eating. He's actually been loving this and talking about committing to it for good. I'm thinking we'll be able to do a 90% goal - accounting for when we're visiting friends or family, when there are no other options, etc. But for what we buy and what we make at home, there's no reason to be bringing in processed foods. He likes knowing that he's doing something really good for his health and for his heart.

New week, new goals:

Exercise:
Monday – bike ride
Wednesday - ballet class
Saturday - bike ride or walk

Eating:
Track everything I eat this week – even on the weekend
Think about what I’m eating, whether I’m hungry, what will fuel me
Continue doing the 10-Day Real Food Pledge!

Weekend (friends coming to stay):
Don’t use the weekend away as an excuse to eat and drink anything and everything thinking I can make up for it next week!

Thoughts on last week:
Was moody and argumentative with Y which is very unlike our normal state together. Felt like a jerk because I was taking things out on him. Great news is that I haven't binged in weeks. Bad news is I still have to get through my emotions in a positive way, not by taking it out on him.
Looking forward to another great loss this week.
So excited to start up ballet again - I haven't been in 8 years!

Question:
What are your favorite things about the upcoming season?

10-Day Real Food Challenge: Planning and Shopping

2010-08-31T08:59:00.001-04:00

Since we chose September 1st as a start date for the 10-Day Real Food Pledge, we had to so some planning and shopping to prepare ourselves.

Surprisingly, Y (the boyfriend) was totally on board with this. As he pointed out, many times, this is pretty close to how we eat currently. Our meals are based around fresh meats and veggies. It just would get us to think a lot harder about the choices we make for late night snacks, convenience foods and sweeteners. Had I asked Y to do this before he moved in with me, I'm sure it would have been a much bigger struggle as he subsisted on his so-called "bachelor's diet" of subs, frozen pasta meals and potato chips.

As we sat down to make a plan for the next 10 days, we looked through our pantry and freezer to see what we could use and what we had to buy. I have class a few nights this week so those nights won't involve such big meals, but we wanted to make sure we both had food to eat without relying on take-out or any other quick fix.

We settled on a meal plan for dinners that looks something like this:

Wednesday - fresh whole wheat pasta with ground turkey, marinara sauce and spinach
Thursday - (class night) hummus and cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread with baby carrots and celery sticks
Friday - grilled chicken thighs with local corn on the cob, green beans and salad
Saturday - grilled swordfish with sauteed spinach and local corn on the cob

Our shopping list
Breakfast:
Agave nectar (to replace Y's sugar in his coffee)
Honey (mmm, on toast, in tea, in yogurt - Honey is LOVE!)
Almond butter
Whole wheat bread (made with honey, not sugar or corn syrup)
Pluots
Apples
Melon
Berries
Brown Cow Plain Greek Yogurt (see here for a taste test of Greek yogurts)

Lunches:
Salad greens
Slaw mix (for salad topping)
Cherry tomatoes
Alfalfa sprouts
Organic kidney beans (I love kidney beans on salad. And you should too: B-complex, niacin, folate, magnesium, omega-3, calcium, fiber. http://tinyurl.com/3sqdhd )
Cheese
Balsamic vinegar and olive oil (for dressing)

Dinners:
fresh whole wheat pasta
green beans
spinach
corn
jarred tomato sauce (normally I make my own but I didn't have time this week, it was our one "cheat"and it's was a compromise we made together. We carefully read each label and chose something with the least ingredients, no sugar and no preservatives. I'm feeling a little guilty though since it's jarred and pre-packaged so I think I'll try to find the time to make the sauce - even a quick sauce with crushed tomatoes and spices would work fine)

Snacks:
Dried figs
Raw pumpkin seeds (pepitas)
Raw almonds
Raw brazil nuts
Dates
Apples
Oranges

Everything else we already had in the pantry or freezer.

Here we go!

Motivate Monday

2010-08-30T11:08:00.002-04:00

Sundays are usually my day to relax, be lazy, spend way too much time on the couch, have an extra cookie. And the result of this is that I’m even more tired and lazy on Mondays. Hmm, not working. Though, I must admit, it seems like a good idea every single time Sunday rolls around again.

Dreaded Monday – back to work, responsibilities and schedules. Screw that old routine. I’m taking Monday back and making it mine. I’m motivating. I’m setting out my goals and I’m going for a mandatory Monday workout. (Mandatory in that I must check in here and report it….every single week. Otherwise, the internet police might get me. See how that works?)

My goals for this week:

Exercise:
Monday – gym
Wednesday - yoga DVD at home
Saturday - bike ride and swimming

Eating:
Track everything I eat this week – even on the weekend
Think about what I’m eating, whether I’m hungry, what will fuel me
Start the 10-Day Real Food Pledge!

Weekend (long holiday weekend):
Don’t use the weekend away as an excuse to eat and drink anything and everything thinking I can make up for it next week!

Thoughts on last week:
Talked myself out of going to the gym at least twice. What’s the point of that? Why try to punish myself? I felt GREAT after that Monday workout.
Lost over a pound in spite of a trip to Florida and a camping trip. Woo hoo!
I did choose great snacks most days (fruits and veggies) and tracked everything every day. Keep it up.

Taking the 10 Day Real Food Challenge

2010-08-29T10:20:00.000-04:00

Starting on September 1st, my boyfriend and I will be taking the 10-Day Pledge to eat real food and consciously cut out any processed food from our diets.

I took the challenge based on the 100 Days of Real Food blog. I'm not quite ready for that level of commitment, but I am excited for the new start.

I've been many whole foods as I've been making a conscious effort to be mindful of my health and the way different foods make my body feel. I find myself relying on packaged granola bars and frozen pizzas when in a pinch though and I'd love to move away from that dependence.

I'm going to spend a few days planning what I'll need to buy, what I'll want to eat and really commit to this challenge. Check out Lisa Leake's blog and think about making your own pledge to eating real foods, if only for 10 days.

(As an aside, sorry it's been so long since I've posted...I'm sure no one even checks back here anymore. I struggled a bit with the healthy eating/blogging/honesty about my weight and body issues for a while but I find that when I do blog, it gives me some accountability and somewhere to talk about successes and failures. So I'm giving this another go.)

Week End Weigh In

2010-04-16T08:20:00.003-04:00

Friday morning and that means it's weigh in time.

And this week........ Down 1.8. Woo hoo!

How do you tackle cravings?

2010-04-15T13:51:00.007-04:00

It's one of those days where everything seems like a good replacement for sleep and a means for comfort.

I simply saw the words peanut butter and I was craving a spoonful. I saw someone drinking an iced coffee and actually felt a surge of longing for a sweet one. I'm not stranded in the desert with no food or water. Why the longing!!??? That's just too intense of a reaction!

Oh, silly hormones. You are tricky buggers.
(Must remember these cravings will pass. Must remember these cravings will pass.)

I'm going to keep telling myself that these are the kinds of days that make me stronger and that will make my weight loss efforts more successful if I just stay focused. Glass half full mumbo jumbo, maybe, but it might work. But man, I want a big bowl of popcorn and a nap! I'm going to drink a seltzer instead. It will at least fill me up a bit and distract me.

What do YOU do to tackle your cravings?

New Blog Title

2010-04-14T14:32:00.003-04:00

I still have to figure out the rest of the logistics...but ta da.....I changed my blog title today - I'll now be known as Losing to Win.

I feel refreshed. Or something.

Time for a change.

HYC Challenge Check-In

2010-04-14T08:08:00.003-04:00

Joy of joys, I'm back on track. Sure, there have been some mess-ups and some slips. But isn't that part of being on plan? Isn't that just a normal part of living? You make mistakes, you have a bad day, you live with it and you move on.

One of the things that always surprises me when I come back to focus after flailing for a while is that it's SO much easier to be on plan than off it. Without staying on plan, I'm worried that I ate too much so in turn I eat more to deal with the stress. I feel guilty about my indulgences and so avoid the scale. I "feel fat" and skip the gym and the weight creeps up and up and up. And my overall mood creeps downward steadily. I let myself be disempowered. (Spell check wants me to change that to disemboweled!! Errr, not quite what I was going for.)

The mental energy it takes me to feel badly and beat myself up for days/weeks/months about what I'm doing "wrong" is hard to get out from under. It seems to spiral, to linger, to weigh heavily..... And then things shift, something snaps, motivation returns (or even just a glint of motivation!) and it's time again to TRY.

Trying is the best we can do. And trying includes the good and the bad. But giving myself a chance to try is the most I can ask for.

And the more days that go by with me trying, the better I feel. And the more I try, the EASIER it is. What keeps many of us from trying is that we assume that it will be SO hard. That we'll have to make so many sacrifices and so many changes. What's tough is beating myself up every day. What's not is believing in what I'm doing, believing in myself, and nourishing my body. Giving myself a chance to be healthy? I have to admit, it feels pretty amazing!

The little self-destructive devil on my shoulder

2010-04-13T16:20:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was totally up and down. Started the day motivated and on track. But I had this nagging little voice (PMS!) telling me how hungry, how stressed, how restless I was all day. Every time I tried to ignore it, it came back twice as strong. I forgot my sneakers for the gym so had to change my workout plans. Disappointment! So...I eventually gave in and had too many snacks in the afternoon. I chose mostly healthy options (yogurt, granola bar) but I ate my points I had allotted for dinner. I changed things up and planned on a salad for dinner to make up for the extra points.

The idea of not just letting the whole day go to pot and eating everything in the cupboard wasn't a temptation at that point yet. I knew I could handle it....I just had to stay focused and eat my salad for dinner. The day was not lost. When I got home from work, I asked the boyfriend to go for a walk with me. We just took a short 1.6 mile walk around the neighborhood, but I did feel better. At least I could undo a TINY bit of damage and then enjoy my salad for dinner.

But then around 8:30 or 9...I let that little voice win again. While I was prepping the crock pot for tonight's dinner, I reached into the cupboard for a handful of M&Ms, then another, then another. Then I managed to make a large bowl of popcorn to share with the bf. By that point, I was so stuffed and disappointed, I just went to bed.

Ugh! I ate all my daily points, the rest of my weekly points and all my activity points for the week! Plus two more!! I did track it all, which I feel is an accomplishment...but I shouldn't have let myself get so out of control.

Today I'm dusting myself off and moving on. I have a really busy day, and then two meetings after work. I'll make sure to have a snack around 5 since I'll be eating a late dinner.

Maybe I can even squeeze in 20 minutes of yoga or so before bed? We'll see. Today's a new day.

Monday morning: I peeked

2010-04-12T09:06:00.004-04:00

This morning I hopped on the scale to take a peek at my weight. For me, it's generally not a good idea to check mid-week (my weigh-in day is Friday) as I know how much your weight can fluctuate daily. But I still wanted to make sure I was on track. I made a few poor decisions this weekend (like when I dove head first into a bottle of wine and had pretzels for lunch the next day), but overall I recovered by eating well and doing some exercise.

Looking back, starting my Monday morning looking for affirmation from the scale could have been a bad set-up for a rough week, so I'm happy my efforts showed on the scale. But this was a good reminder that as much I think the scale doesn't affect how I feel about myself, it totally does.

I'm going to keep this as a positive though and count it as a GREAT boost of motivation for the week. Hope you all have a great week too!

So here are my weekly goals:

1. Start the C25K (pending how my hips fare with the program!)

2. Continue doing my XBox Fitness Yourself workouts (5 days)

3. Track every meal and snack

My Recipe Box: Chicken Parmesan

2010-04-11T16:54:00.003-04:00

My boyfriend loves chicken parm and when we first started dating, I cooked it for him. Lucky for me, he was hooked (both on the chicken and on me!). After that, I knew I had to come up with a way to lighten up the meal so I could make it occasionally for us. Just a few easy changes and I've worked out a great, quick way to put together chicken parmesan. Enjoy!

WW Friendly Chicken Parmesan

Ingredients:
29 oz canned diced tomatoes, with Italian herbs (i large can, or 2 smaller cans)
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 pound uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast, four 4-oz pieces
4 tsp olive oil, divided
1 spray cooking spray
1/2 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese, fresh
1/3 cups Italian seasoned bread crumbs

Cooking Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350°.

To make the sauce, combine first 5 ingredients in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, 35 minutes. Stir in sugar and vinegar; simmer 5 minutes.

While the sauce is cooking, place each chicken breast half between 2 sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap and pound to 1⁄2-inch thickness, using a meat mallet or rolling pin. Dredge chicken in breadcrumbs.

Heat 2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 chicken breast halves to pan and cook 3 to 4 minutes on each side or until browned. Repeat procedure with remaining oil and chicken breast halves.

Arrange chicken in an 11 x 7-inch baking dish coated with cooking spray. Pour tomato sauce evenly over chicken, and sprinkle with cheeses.

Cover and bake at 350° for 35 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes.

Yield: 4 servings (serving size: 1 chicken breast half with sauce and cheese).

Points: 7 pts per serving.

Serving suggestion: If you don't have time to make your own sauce, a jar of good store-bought sauce would work (Remember this may change the points per serving). Serve over whole wheat pasta or spaghetti squash and veggies on the side.

The weight creeps back on when we're not looking.

2010-04-08T08:52:00.003-04:00

Between months of anxiety/depression, skipping the gym for who knows how long, and starting new meds to help combat the blues (which have the lovely side effect of making me SO hungry!), I've put on some weight. I haven't regained everything, but I'm worried if I stay on this path, I will.

So to get my weight back down AND to start feeling healthy again, I'm back.

Back to making good food choices.
Back to thinking about feeling good and being healthy.
Back to exercising!

First order of business - get the Easter candy OUT of the house. And not in the "Quick, eat it all so it can be gone" way....I'm going to bring it to work and leave it in the kitchen. It's safer being shared by 30 people than being eaten solely by me!

2010 Reading List

2010-04-05T09:35:00.004-04:00

January
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult

Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer

February
The Alchemist by Paulo Cohelo

March
Backpack by Emily Barr

Gatecrasher by Madeline Wickham

Little Bee by Chris Cleave

April - August

*Since I'm not updating this until September, I'm sure I've forgotten something.*

The Carrie Diaries by Candace Bushnell

The Heretic's Daughter by Kathleen Kent

Vinegar Hill by A. Manette Ansay

Three Junes by Julia Glass

A Good Dog by Jon Katz

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

Day After Night by Anita Diamant

What a difference a day makes...

2009-09-02T15:15:00.004-04:00

"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices."

- Paul Tournier *

Reflections on Monday night's binge-fest:

Monday afternoon I had an appointment with my crazy lady where I told her all about how I haven't binged in months and how it doesn't occur to me anymore to do that. Interesting how that very night I binged again. Yes, I'm stressed out, yes I'm overwhelmed, but I have better tools now.... so where did that come from?

I've decided that it was a few things. A)I think it was hormones. B)I think it was me trying to test myself to see if bingeing might still work if I try really hard. Like a security blanket or a safety word, I wanted to see if I could still fall back on it. Luckily, I found that I can't. C) I think it was one off night that doesn't mean much in the long run.

The morning after my binge, I ran into a coworker who asked me if I've been losing weight. SCORE! Perfect reminder that one night doesn't change a thing. I've worked hard, I've lost weight and I'll continue to if I keep going!

What I find surprising and quite comforting about all of this is that I used to binge nightly (or almost). I was hiding from my feelings and punishing/numbing myself with food 3 or 4 nights a week! No wonder I couldn't lose weight and didn't have the motivation to work out. I was literally stuffed with food. Or I was beating myself up for being stuffed, or anticipating the next secret binge. Talk about a cycle. I remember thinking I would never be able to stop it. I couldn't imagine being able to go a week without a binge. Now I can go months. Hooray! {Reminder to focus on the good things and the progress!}

I also remember never really feeling hungry. Mentally yes, but not physically. It's quite amazing that my health is overall as good as it is. Great cholesterol, great blood pressure, great blood sugar {take that, inner bitch voice - undeniable greatness! ;)}

I have come to terms with the fact that some days will be harder than others. And sometimes I might want to binge. Some days I'll win, and some days I might stumble down the path of snacky bingeitude.

That's life.

My favorite lesson to date: Perfect is a myth (and a dangerous one). It too me many, lots of anguish and damn hard work to figure that one out. That's one thing I'm happy to quit! Now I'm free of trying to be perfect every day and, in turn, having to disappoint myself every day. No wonder I had such reason to binge so frequently!

--------
* Note: I don't really know anything about Paul Tournier, but I loved the quote when I read it today and thought it perfect for today's post.

Just when I thought I was immune....

2009-09-01T10:12:00.002-04:00

Ugh, I fell apart last night and binged. Too much stress, fear of some upcoming changes, overwhelmed at work - bad combo.

Went home and dug into a peach blueberry muffin I'd made over the weekend, found some ice cream in the freezer and had a bowl of that, dug around in the pantry and found some crackers. I was on a mission and I could not/did not stop myself.

The rest of the night I felt stuffed, uneasy and out of it. My stomach hurt, I was itchy, I was anxious and disappointed in myself. I had to run some errands and I was panicky and distracted.

And the worst part (or was it...)? It didn't work. The binging didn't take away the stress, it didn't numb me as it did before. I was even more aware of the stress and I was unable to functionally deal with it because I felt so stuffed and uncomfortable.

Something in me feels like the best way to frame this is to say that last night was a success - it was another shot at me trying to prove to myself that binging doesn't work for me anymore. It doesn't take away the tough feelings, it doesn't really hide anything. It has consequences.

Today I feel sluggish and bloated. I feel full and hungry at the same time. I'm dehydrated, I'm thirsty. I'm gassy and tired.

But I woke up realizing that it's a new day and it's a new chance to just put it behind me. I tried hiding from the stress and I failed. Tonight I'm going to try exercise and hope for (and expect) some better results. If I need to pass out on the couch afterwards because it's all I have the energy for, at least it was energy well spent. It was one stupid night, one night of too much food. I know it was a bad decision and I don't have to repeat it tonight. Today's a new chance to feel good and channel my stress in a much better way than onto my spoon!

Tonight I have plans to play tennis. I'm going to run around and have fun and get some endorphins going. Tomorrow night I have an appt with my trainer. I WILL NOT cancel or reschedule.

Fitness Challenge - Two Hundred Squats

2009-08-28T10:18:00.005-04:00

Roni over at Roni's Weigh posted a great little fitness challenge - things you can do right at home, you already most likely know how to do, and you don't need any equipment other than yourself. Anyone interested?

I'm going to start with the squats challenege, but if anyone's interested in doing any others (or all three!), I'd love you to join me! Each challenge last six weeks and is designed to allow you to work up to the total numbers listed! You only need to commit to about a half hour every other day.

100 Pushups
200 Squats
(Initial test results - 30 = AVERAGE)
200 Sit-Ups

Two Hundred Squats

Some useful links:
Proper form - proper form for "air squats" or squats using no added weights
Squats PocketMod (printable booklet for tracking your progress)
Online progress log

Mustering courage

2009-08-26T15:54:00.002-04:00

Podcasts downloaded

Gym clothes in the car

Socks and sneakers ready

Energy levels building

Any and all courage to start the C25K welcome! Tonight's the night!

Fear

2009-08-10T09:25:00.004-04:00

I have an appointment with my trainer today at 12:30. I haven't seen her in about 6 months. I haven't even lifted a weight in about 3 months. I shall be sore (but happy, I hope).

Any advice to avoid soreness?

Udpate (3:30 pm):

I had a GREAT session with the trainer. She took it a little easy on me, knowing how long it's been since we've had a session together...but she still worked me hard. Did squats (my favorite, ugh), shoulders, abs, triceps, box jumps, biceps, and a few other exercises. My body feels tired and worked, but even better is the mood boost I got from such a good workout. Why is it so easy to forget how absolutely fantastic you feel after a workout?
I've had a rough month, and wasn't really working out at all because of all the dizziness and panic. After just an hour with some weights and some sweat, I feel better than I've felt since vacation at the end of June!

Will try to stretch as much as possible to avoid some soreness. And drink lots of water!

Healthy You Challenge Check-In

2009-07-28T08:51:00.002-04:00

It's been a crazy few months - studying for the GREs, going through a hormonal meltdown, two vacations (much needed!) and slowly and steadily losing weight.

I am back though. I want to up the exercise and continue with WeightWatchers to really get this weight loss accomplished. I was a little frustrated that I wasn't "losing fast enough" for a while, until I realized what that meant. It meant that the changes I was making were really sticking. Gone are my days of weight fluctuations and rapid changing habits. The slower I lose, the longer I maintain at a certain point, the more this knowledge is settling into me. I'm going to celebrate that I've lost almost 10% of my original weight and that I'm really making long-term changes to my health, attitude and body. Hurrah!

I was participating in WW through an at work program for the past 4 months. We weren't able to garner enough interest for another session (people want to take the summer off - eek!) so I'm now left to my own devices with an online membership. This Friday I'm going to to center to join the meetings there. Along with this HYC, I find the accountability of seeing my leader each week and stepping on the official scale to be another thing that keeps me successful and committed.

So my goals for this week:

1. Back to the gym! Hit the gym or do some form of exercise at least 4 times this week. Make it to at least 1 yoga class.
2. Track, track, track. It's the only thing that consistently keeps me on track and the scale going down.
3. Carefully think about the snacks I crave and the snacks I eat. My hormones are not the boss of me!

Future - start the C25K in August. It will be my birthday present to myself!

Summertime means...

2009-07-27T15:26:00.002-04:00

When you live in a climate like that of New England, you spend many cold months daydreaming about the warm glow of summer. The promise of long sunny days keeps you sane, warm and alive. Some days, those summer days to come can feel like the only things worth living in New England.

Of course there are many other things I love, including bits of the icy frigid winter months, but summer is a special treat. A rare and fleeting season of romance, cold drinks and long, lazy evenings. The soundtrack to each day consists of the radio playing on the beach or the Red Sox game on the radio or the sounds of crickets chirping in the evenings.

This summer hasn't delivered our normal dose of happiness and carefree romps. We've had an extended early spring feeling - cool days, colder nights, rain and gray and gloom. It leaves me feeling a sense of waiting, or like a sense of ending in that the cold months ahead of winter will be here sooner than I can imagine!

So I'd like to remind myself that summer is still special and all of the reasons that is so.

Corn on the cob
Raspberries
Flip flops
Red Sox
Camping
Fireflies
Ice cream
Canoeing
Grilling hamburgers
Summer ales
Iced tea
Outdoor concerts
Sleeping with a fan on
Tank tops
Ponytails
Freckles
The smell of sunscreen
Fireworks

What's your favorite season and what do you look forward to?

Product Review - Salter Kitchen Scale

2009-05-15T11:53:00.010-04:00

After reading and hearing about the difference a food scale can make to weight loss efforts, I decided it was time to get one for myself. Not only does it allow me to be more accountable to just how big that steak I ate really was, but it allows me to quickly weigh and measure for recipes and tracking.

I did a bit of research online and after some struggles with in-stock availability in the stores, I decided on a fairly basic model, the Salter Stainless Steel Electronic Kitchen Scale (retails for $29.99).

After using this scale for a few months I wanted to share my thoughts on the product.

Pros:

This scale weighs foods in both ounces and in grams. This is a convenient feature when you're basing your calculations on nutritional information provided in grams (think chips and cereal here!!)

It has a tare or zero function. I am so dependent on this feature. It takes away having to do your own calculations and just subtracts out the weight of the bowl or other container for you.

Decent price point. Some other food scales have more bells and whistles and you pay for those. Since this was my first scale and I wasn't sure how often I was going to use it, I wanted to make sure it was affordable. You get what you pay for though, it's a basic scale. But for $29.99, I'm pleased overall with the affordability of something I'm using every day in my meal preparation.

Easy to use. Since the displayed information is just the weight (down to 1/8 oz.) there's not much to understand. Pop in the battery, and you're ready to use it.

Small and compact, this doesn't take up a lot of room on the countertop. I am seriously lacking in counter space in my kitchen, so that's a very important feature for me!

The weight capacity is just over 7 pounds. I haven't found a need to weigh anything heavier that that.

The scale can measure either in ounces or grams. If you choose to weigh in ounces, the scale measures in fractions instead of decimals. I feel like this is a bit of a pro and a con, depending on the user. The fraction functionality works for me as I can convert that to decimals easily enough in my head.

Cons:

Short battery life and type - this takes a 9V battery, which isn't something I have around my house. With such a short battery life, I don't like having to run out to replace the batteries so often.

Inconvenient LCD display location. If you're measuring your food in a bowl or larger plate, the display gets completely covered. I avoid this by measuring in small containers or by putting the food directly on the scale. Means more clean-up.

Not easy to store - though, that may be the case for most food scales. I put this away in my pantry for a short bit and even though the scale was off, something was inadvertently placed on top of it which I believe drained the battery.

Final thoughts:

Overall, I'm happy with my purchase. I may want to replace this within the year and get something with a little more functionaly and better design, but for now I will continue to use this almost daily. I would recommend this as a great starter kitchen scale, good for someone who doesn't use their kitchen scale for large cuts of meat or full meals, or great for someone with not a lot of space in their kitchen.

Making choices

2009-05-14T12:21:00.003-04:00

I can look at things two ways right now:

The good: after a few bad weeks I've maintained my weight.

The bad: after a few bad weeks and almost 4 months doing WW, I'm only down 11 pounds.

So here I stand with a choice. I can look at this either way. At the moment, I'm feeling happy that I've turned things back around, had a great week so far of tracking and exercise and have managed to stay at the same weight I was 2 weeks ago.

I've also got nagging feelings of being slightly frustrated that I'm still stuck at the 11 lb mark.

A girl can drive herself mad with such silly thoughts.

I need to frame this properly so I can continue. Of COURSE I'm stuck here, I haven't been making a solid effort over the last month. I can't expect to not make healthy choices/exercise regularly and lose. Clearly, I know that. Rationally, I know that. I've proven it to myself time and again.

I have to just remind myself that the plan DOES work. When I stick to it I feel better, lose weight and create more healthy habits for myself. When I don't, I either gain, maintain but most importantly, don't feel healthy, energetic OR strong.

Does anyone else feel when they follow whatever plan they're on, they feel more free? I totally feel like it my life is a little easier when I make the effort to stay on plan. I waste a lot less time thinking about what to eat, feeling bad about what I ate, craving something I "shouldn't" eat, and the cycle goes on and on....

So I'm making a choice to feel good about this week and my progress. I've lost 11 pounds, and I'm going to be proud of that. I've exercised and moved my body every day this week and I'm going to be proud of that.

I am making a choice to be on this journey and stick with it, good and bad.

I'm NOT going to think about the big bag of macadamia nuts I ate two weeks ago (we're talking BJs big). Or, maybe I will think about it, but only in a way to know that it was not the way to lose the weight I want to lose. Macadamia nuts won't solve my problems (if only!!). Neither will giving up on myself, deciding to feel sorry for myself and eating a bag of chips, ignoring my energy levels and skipping the gym to watch the Real Housewives (but it's just so delicious), etc.

Perfect is a myth and bad weeks/days/months will happen. Here's to accepting that and moving on!

Just like riding a bike

2009-05-11T20:31:00.010-04:00

When you fall off, you just got to get back on and keep pedaling! That's how I'm looking at this weight loss/health quest....getting back on and looking forward.

Had a great day today, tracked everything, made good choices and felt good. It really is easier for me when I stay on plan...so here I am.

I've got to just keep tracking, keep posting and keep being honest!

My goals this week:

1. Track, track, track!
2. Blog
3. Exercise - walking, Zumba, weights.

So far, so good. Slipped out at work today and got in a 2 mile walk. FINALLY found my missing Nike ipod gadget too so I was able to track the workout. Here I go! 35 minutes, 2.18 miles, 342 calories burned (I think this is an overestimation, based on the gadget, not a HR monitor).

Texts from last night

2009-05-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

This website is hilarious - go now!

Texts from last night (warning: some are raunchy, but I find them amusing)

My favorite so far: "I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed."

Three Things for a Friday

2009-05-01T10:33:00.004-04:00

1. I'm stuck around the same weight loss number, but my clothes are fitting a lot better and I have a ton of energy. I'll call that a huge accomplishment!

2. This article in Fabulous UK magazine is pretty interesting (courtesy of a link through Digg). While we often strive for these unattainable airbrushed model proportions, this study tries to kick that desire right on its rounded arse. The article is a little Britain-centric, so I didn't recognize all the celebrities referenced, but the big point is - why waste so much time hating on ourselves when we're just fine - beautiful, healthy and fine!

I feel like I waste so much time missing out on positive energy when I'm staring in the mirror searching for another dimple in my upper thighs or lamenting the curve of my tummy. Nothing new here, it's a similar piece that we've read countless times in countless women's magazines, but it reminded me again that we're all pretty similar. So many of us worry about the same things and have similar insecurities. Kind of points out, once again, that this is mostly just a load of bollocks (another nod to my British sisters!).

I had a friend tell me the other day that she's working out so she can look the same way that she did when she was 20. This woman is 40, super fit, and has a totally rocking body. Try as we might, we couldn't convince her that what she has RIGHT NOW is what she should want. Hmmm, someone not listening to their own advice much?

3. I have been loving getting out on the bike now that the weather is warm and the roads are cleared. My hands bother me if I ride for very long though, I'm thinking I need some gloves. Any suggestions?

Happy spring!

Oh, that's just the couch cushion fused to my rear end!

2009-04-30T15:18:00.002-04:00

I have a confession - I spent not one, but THREE hours watching Real Housewives of New York last night.

Yes, that's 3.

Three, tres, trois, any language you use it's atrocious! (My official excuse - I didn't take any allergy meds yesterday and was a total train wreck. All I could manage was laying on the couch when I got home from work) Lo and behold, there was a special marathon of my least favorite love-to-hate vapid yellowheads on BravoTV just for me.

I felt dirty after watching it. And good. They're so incredibly obnoxious, but the show is just so pathetically delicious!

So I've decided to make a little list for myself of alternate activities I can choose from the next time I'm looking for a way to fill some time:

French lessons
Play the banjo
Organize my recipe collection
Do a yoga or Shred DVD
Head out for a bike ride
Study for the GREs
Call a friend
Play with the bunnies
Go for a walk

All interesting, enriching or fun, but I guess not quite the guilty pleausures Bravo always provides!

Always glaring into mirrors...

2009-04-15T08:38:00.004-04:00

I saw Ani DiFranco perform live last night at a fabulous little venue called The Music Hall in downtown Portsmouth. The show was incredible and it was interesting to listen to her now as a mother, as someone deeply happy and in love. Her music has softened a bit, opened up. She spoke about how much easier it is to write songs about the problems, the tough times, and how you really have to work a little harder to write about being just plain happy. Interesting thought....

I was saying recently how it's easier to blog when you're happy. But when I try to write poetry, it's a different thing. Working to write about the good times, joy, love, happiness - it doesn't usually call for the pen and ink! Maybe it's because you'd rather be off enjoying it than trying to pick it apart on paper? Maybe it's because you run the risk of sounding cheesy or trite when you try to put it into words?

One song of hers that I'm stuck on lately is Present/Infant from her new album. It just strikes me every time I hear it. Given how women are taught to look for their own flaws, and how the currency of conversation between women is in insulting one's own thighs or thin hair or pale skin, I'm guessing many of you can relate to these lyrics. I think that I'm getting better at not constantly telling myself how "fat I am" or "disgusting" but I realized I've moved on to searching for enlarged pores or gray hairs or sagging bits. Not really the best trade-off!

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thought of something better to do
then make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived unfettered

always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better

don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace

(from Present/Infant by Ani DiFranco)

See it performed here

Three things

2009-04-08T15:51:00.005-04:00

1. Zumba was so much fun. My hips are sore but I had a blast - giggled through at least half the class.

2. I asked a friend to cater 2 weeks worth of meals at my office. He thanked me for the business with these tulips.

(sorry for the composition and quality!)

3. 2009 has been a tough year for some of my friends and family - health problems, unexpected deaths, job loss, tragedy. It's hard to know how to make sense of it. The least I can do is remember to enjoy myself, be nice to myself and my body and find joy in every day.

This sounds pretty cheesy and simplistic but I don't know what else to do but remember to work to keep myself healthy and to be grateful for what I have.

Today I'm grateful for: fresh fruit and plans with a good friend tonight

Missing in inaction

2009-04-07T16:24:00.003-04:00

It's typically a bad sign when I disappear.

I don't blog because I need some space to figure something out, I'm disappointed in myself and don't want to share that with my blog readers or admit it to myself which has to happen when I actually type and publish.

I made it through the week I hurt my back quite well. Then I had a curveball from my parents that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, as they always seem to be able to do.

I'm going to try a Zumba class at the gym tonight. I owe it to myself to get some exercise, and more importantly, to have some fun.

I'm back. No more excuses and no more hiding. I need to post when I'm having a hard time and when I'm not. That's why I have this blog and that's just reality.

The Bingey Monster strikes...

2009-03-24T15:37:00.005-04:00

I hurt my back over the weekend and am struggling to stay on track since then. The pain and immobility has me seeking comfort and is trying to drive me back to my old habits of turning to food for comfort.

I found myself wandering over to the candy aisle at the drugstore last night after I picked up my prescription for muscle relaxers. I didn't buy the candy, but not because I didn't want to. I was struggling with the decision and talked myself down from a whole bag of Reese's Pieces eggs or some other large candy chocolate treat. I knew it was too much, that I would probably end up eating it all or making myself sick. So I had decided that I would just go for a small bag. Jelly beans or chocolate? I knew that I would indulge in everything I brought home, so I was feeling good about bargaining with myself and choosing to just get a single serving.

My boyfriend was waiting for me and I asked if he wanted something. He didn't seem to want anything and when I pushed again (trying to get him to choose something to reduce the guilt I was feeling for even buying anything), he responded with, "Nah, I'm all set. We already have candy at home." Pretty straightforward and perfectly fine answer.

What I HEARD though was, "you're disgusting, you and your candy eating repulse me, you already have enough to make you put on all the weight you've lost plus lots more, why do you want candy, you're gross and always will be."

Hmmm, projecting much?

I put (alright, practically threw) the small bag of jelly beans I'd chosen back and very icily (read:total bitch) told him to "forget it", I was ready to go home. I hobbled ahead of him out of the store in a ridiculous huff. He, of course, had NO idea why I had turned like this and what was going on.

We talked it through later and he explained that he just wasn't craving anything and because he didn't particularly want anything at that moment, he figured he could just have some of the treats we had at home if he decided he wanted anything. What I perceived him saying was what I was actually saying to myself. All the negative stuff I'd been trying to quiet in my head came pouring out when he opened his mouth. The thing about him is that he's totally supportive of me, he loves me, he thinks I'm beautiful and beyond that, he doesn't attach the emotional weight to food that I do. So I rationally KNOW that what he said he meant is what he meant. Ugh.

My reaction scared me a lot because it was so intense and I know that the pain was driving it. I haven't had a reaction like that where I've automatically and easily reverted to the self-hate tactics in a while now.

BUT what I feel good about as I type this out is that after all that, I didn't go for the candy. I didn't find a replacement when I got home to binge with. I thought it through, I took some deep breaths and I talked about it. And I didn't have any more cravings or need to eat for comfort. I worked through it.

Each piece of this exchange would have caused a massive binge in the past - the pain, the desire to comfort myself with candy, the comment from my bf, all of it. And I would have binged, and I would have numbed out, and I would have felt more out of control and worse afterwards. The "all or nothing" idea that I either had to be "perfect" or I was a "total failure" would have taken over and that would be a way to punish myself when I started to feel good and healthy and happy. But I don't rely on perfect anymore. I rely on steady and stable and normal. And that means that sometimes it will be tough.

My eating isn't spectacular right now, though I am tracking, as I just don't have the energy or ability to be mobile enough to make a lot of healthy meals and snacks. I am tracking though and that's focus I'm grateful for. I am not sure if I'll see a loss this week after last week's 5 lbs, so I'm jsut focused on getting through this pain and staying positive and good to myself.

Thursday Check-in

2009-03-20T09:08:00.004-04:00

Being kind to myself this week really paid off! That fluke weigh-in last week was corrected on the scale this week and I had a total loss of 5.2 lbs! That brought me to my 5% milestone and up to a total of 12 lbs lost. I have to say that when I just focus and actually stay on the plan all week, it's a lot easier than when I don't track, try to guess and indulge too much.

I'm taking over the coordination of the WW program at work, so that's just gives me a little extra investment in the program, if that makes sense.

This week's goals:

1. Keep tracking, it's working.

2. Get back to BodyPump classes - at least once a week.

3. Start the couch to 5K training program this week.

Last week's goals:

1. Don't let this week's slight gain get me off track. (should be easy enough, I'm feeling okay about it, if anything it motivated me more) ACCOMPLISHED

2. Make at least one class at the gym during the week and one yoga class on the weekend. ALMOST ACCOMPLISHED

3. Track 7 days. ACCOMPLISHED

4. Relax and be kind to myself! ACCOMPLISHED. Took the weekend off and spent it relaxing, doing small errands, cooking and baking. This was partially due to not feeling well, but it at least slowed me down enough to relax.

4. Try at last one recipe out of my new cookbooks: ACCOMPLISHED. Made muffins trom the Mark Bittman book and planning to make some sides from the Giada cookbook over the weekend. So far so good!

As if I'm not already paranoid enough about aging

2009-03-17T10:54:00.003-04:00

then the Daily Mail comes along and drops this bomb on my head:

Old age begins at 27

I did see a few new grays on the crown of my head this morning while I was applying copious amounts of moisturizer to my face and trying to keep my Crest Whitestrips on my teeth.

Ugh.

I almost forgot...National Pi Day!

2009-03-13T16:05:00.001-04:00

How could I forget that March 14th is National Pi Day!?

To celebrate, I'm going to sit down with Martha and learn a thing or two about pie crust.

I have to confess here that I quite often cheat and just buy the pre-packaged Pillsbury crusts (gasp, but they're just sooo easy and convenient!) but it's time for me to make an effort and learn some skills.

I might make a chicken pot pie as well just because, frankly, I make a mean chicken pot pie and it's the perfect comfort food for my relaxing weekend (and what a good reason to make extra crust!).

Thursday Check-in

2009-03-13T08:39:00.003-04:00

This week's goals:

1. Don't let this week's slight gain get me off track. (should be easy enough, I'm feeling okay about it, if anything it motivated me more)

2. Make at least one class at the gym during the week and one yoga class on the weekend.

3. Track 7 days.

4. Relax and be kind to myself!

4. Try at last one recipe out of my new cookbooks:

Last week's goals:

1. Keep tracking every day and believe that if I follow the program, I will keep seeing results. I did the believing but not all of the tracking. It showed on the scale.
2. Work out on at least 4 days, including 2 strength training workouts (This afternoon I'm going to go snowshoeing). Got at least 4 days of exercise in! A great start.

3. I am going to take TessaJ's advice and put a dollar in my change jar for every time I work out. Woo hoo $5!
4. Start my new blog feature - Tuesday Reviews. In draft form still.

5. Go to my first book club meetup on Tuesday. Getting out and trying new things and meeting new people has been scary for me for a while as I've settled into my own insecurities. Time to branch out! The book is Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan (which I also need to read a lot more of before Tuesday!) Work got in the way! Next month.

Last week's exercise:

Thurs: 1 mi snowshoe (25 min)
Sat: 3.5 mile walk (1 hr)
Sun: The Shred DVD, L1
Monday: 2 mi min snowshoe (45 min)
Tuesday: 2.1 mile walk (30 min)

Comments

2009-03-12T07:26:00.002-04:00

I've been told that people are having trouble leaving comments on my blog...not sure what the issue is, but I'll look into it! Stay tuned.

HYC Update

2009-03-10T11:28:00.004-04:00

The last month or so I've really pulled it together and been focused on myself and my goals. I've been eating better, actually making choices instead of just mindlessly snacking, tracking more often so I understand what I'm eating and when, and really visualizing and defining what I want for myself and my health.

What I hadn't been so good at is finding energy or motivation to exercise. I think I might have been a bit hard on myself since I was in the middle of moving, packing, cleaning and running around (and the scales were still showing a loss!). So this week my motivation for exercise has increased and I'm guessing the 60 degree days this weekend certainly helped! I did a lot of walking and just generally feeling energetic and alive. Ah, but with that exercise has come a laxness with eating. Less tracking, a few too many snacks. I'm down a point this week (woo hoo!) so I'm adjusting to that as well. Wait, who am I kidding? Last week I was having a hard time eating all my points each day, so I'm really fine in that regard. Nice try for an excuse though, right?

My clothes are fitting better - this is the first week I've really noticed! My pants fit a little more loosely, I wore a skirt last week that I won't be able to wear again AND I wore a pair of jeans this weekend I haven't worn in MONTHS. I almost didn't t ry them on, but as soon as I put them on my boyfriend told me how hot they looked. That they fit and looked good to boot was proof enough that yes, my commitment and this WW stuff is really working!

Thursday - Check-in Day

2009-03-05T14:23:00.005-05:00

Weighed in today and had another 2.6lb loss. It was actually more than I expected but I was so happy to see my focus and efforts paid off!

Time to set some more goals and update on last week's.

This week's goals:

1. Keep tracking every day and believe that if I follow the program, I will keep seeing results

2. Work out on at least 4 days, including 2 strength training workouts (This afternoon I'm going to go snowshoeing)

3. I am going to take TessaJ's advice and put a dollar in my change jar for every time I work out.

4. Start my new blog feature - Tuesday Reviews

5. Go to my first book club meetup on Tuesday. Getting out and trying new things and meeting new people has been scary for me for a while as I've settled into my own insecurities. Time to branch out! The book is Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan (which I also need to read a lot more of before Tuesday!)

(path in the forest where I plan to go snowshoeing today. I took this during my walk on a very cold and windy Wednesday.)

Last week's goals:

1. Buy (and use!) a food scale - heard great reviews about both the Oxo Good Grips and the WeightWatchers scales ACCOMPLISHED - bought a Salter scale that I plan to review soon.

2. Work out on at least 4 days (I should really pop open that 30-Day Shred with Jillian Michaels DVD I bought!). Updated: Two of these workouts should include strength training. Only worked out twice.

3. Finish unpacking all but my books (need to buy a new bookcase) Still haven't found a new bookcase. But I got lots of clothes put away.

4. Rework budget to be a bit more concrete ACCOMPLISHED - and I paid a few extra bills to get myself ahead.

Recipe - Lemon Chicken with Pasta and Green Beans

2009-03-03T09:35:00.004-05:00

4 oz. whole wheat or blend pasta, like rotini or penne
1 ½ cups cooked green beans
10 oz. uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast
1 tsp. black pepper
1 tbsp. olive oil
3 garlic cloves, sliced or crushed
½ tbsp. crushed red pepper
½ cup low-sodium, fat-free chicken broth
1 small lemon, juiced and zested
Salt, to taste
1 oz. parmesan, grated

Serves 4.

WW points - 5 pts per serving

Directions:

Cook the pasta in a large pot of boiling water, until al dente. Drain and set aside. (If using frozen beans, you can cook them right in the pot with the pasta.)

While the pasta is cooking, season chicken with some black pepper. Heat a large grill pan or electric grill and add chicken. Grill until golden and completely cooked. Remove to a plate and slice into 1" fingers.

Add the garlic and red pepper to a pan with 1 tbsp olive oil and sauté until fragrant. Add the cooked pasta and beans and turn heat off. Mix together with ½ cup of chicken broth or some reserved cooking liquid from the pasta.
Stir in chicken to the pasta and season with salt and pepper. Add the juice of lemon and lemon zest and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

Before serving, top with parmesan.

Thoughts:

Light and lemony, spicy and delicious. If you like it more spicy, add more crushed red pepper when serving. If you have broccoli in the house or some other vegetable to use up, feel free to make adjustments. This recipe works well with substitutions.

I totally forgot to take a picture of this when I made it last night so I apologize. I wanted to post the recipe anyway.

Lemon Chicken With Pasta

Found

2009-02-27T09:37:00.003-05:00

I found this picture on my PC this week and realized how much I've gained in the past few years. This picture is from two years ago and I'm about 35 lbs lighter.

I still have this dress and I want to be able to wear it again. It's nice to be in a head space again where I am able to look at pictures and think about when I'll be back to that weight instead of being sent into a panic and using it as an excuse to binge and bring myself even further away from my goals.

What's been hard for me to deal with is not so much the weight as the difference in how my body looks and feels. I used to feel so strong, and now I look at my muscles and they're harder to find! The strength I had was what gave me confidence, even if I wasn't completely happy with the number on the scale. The shape of my arms, my legs, even my chest is totally different.

The weaker I get, the less I want to do strength training. A catch-22 there, because the less I do the worse it gets.

I'm going to update my goals for the week to include some weights!

Goals this week

2009-02-26T15:55:00.003-05:00

My WeightWatchers week starts on Thursdays so I'm going to set my goals today.

1. Buy (and use!) a food scale - heard great reviews about both the Oxo Good Grips and the WeightWatchers scales

2. Work out on at least 4 days (I should really pop open that 30-Day Shred with Jillian Michaels DVD I bought!). Updated: Two of these workouts should include strength training.

3. Finish unpacking all but my books (need to buy a new bookcase)

4. Rework budget to be a bit more concrete

The 10% Shift

2009-02-26T08:52:00.004-05:00

I read this today in one of our local papers - "Buying local is not an act of charity—it’s a starting point." The article discusses Seacoast Local’s initiative to encourage local consumers to start small - by shifting at least 10% of their purchases to local businesses.

So where do you buy your next hamburger? Gallon of paint? Birthday cards? Milk? Light bulbs? Buy local like your town depends on it. Because it does, and it always has.

I started to think about what I buy local and how often. I

I am fortunate to live in an area with many small businesses and this makes it more than convenient to shop. Sure, I might have to park my car down the street and walk to the store instead of parking in a mondo-gigantic lot and walking into a superstore, but I like the charm and character of the local merchants, of their goods, of knowing I'm keeping money in the local economy.

I never buy clothes locally, using cost as my excuse. But I could certainly buy from thrift stores which I rarely do. I seem to be caught in the instant gratification trap. Sometimes I just want a new black shirt, and I want it now! Because, of course, the one thing I need is another black shirt to put in with the rest of my 32 black shirts. No wonder I can't fit my clothes in my apartment!

One thing I would like to try to focus on is changing is my grocery shopping habits. I go to the grocery store/small grocer at least 4-5 times per week and I often go to the big stores - Hannaford, Shaws, etc. If I don't pre-plan, they're the only stores open later in the evening when I'm free.

I would like to start shopping more at the farmer's markets and local produce shops and really planning out my meals. It makes more sense financially to buy for the week and make do with what I have in the house. I think this will save me money and also have me be a little more thoughtful about what I'm buying and what I'm wasting.

I think I probably spend 10% locally now, but I'd like to increase that and really focus on food.

How often to you buy local? How easy is it for you to avoid the big box stores?

Recipe - Roasted Red Pepper Sauce (with gnocchi)

2009-02-25T09:31:00.006-05:00

(courtesy of the Food Network)

Ingredients

1 (16-ounce) package refrigerated gnocchi
2 tablespoons olive oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
12-ounce jar roasted red peppers, drained
Salt and freshly ground pepper
1/2 to 2/3 cup heavy cream, or to taste
1/4 cup minced fresh basil leaves, plus more leaves torn for garnish
Fresh lemon juice, to taste - about 2 tbsp.
Chunk of Parmesan for grating

Bring large pot of salted water to a boil and cook the gnocchi according to the package instructions. Drain in a colander in the sink.

In a saucepan, heat oil over medium heat until hot, add garlic and cook, stirring, until golden. Add peppers, salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes. Transfer to a processor or blender and puree. Return sauce to pan, add cream and bring to a simmer, stirring. Add basil, salt, pepper and few drops lemon juice, to taste.

In a large bowl, toss the gnocchi and sauce together. Divide among bowls, strew over some torn basil leaves, and grate some Parmesan over the top. Serve immediately.

Serves 4.

Review:

I used fat-free evaporated milk to lighten up the recipe a bit. This recipe was quick, easy and delicious. A bright meal with little effort - great for a weeknight. I served it with a caesar salad and a glass of red wine.

WW points - 6 pts per serving

Today I'm grateful for: the taste of fresh basil

Ahem

2009-02-24T14:09:00.001-05:00

(and I'm sorry I've been missing for months on end. I do have a few excuses but we'll just leave them at the door and move on!)

The beginning is the most important part of the work.

2009-02-24T13:51:00.005-05:00

This week I moved into Y's apartment with him.

This week I opened my heart up wide and decided to give myself a chance to really be happy.

This week I decided I'm worth it. I love him and I love myself with him.

It's amazing to see how far I've come in the last few years, how much I've grown up and how much I've learned about myself. What feels great about moving in with him is that I know that I'm an independent person capable of taking care of myself emotionally and financially, and that foundation is what we will build on. I can be vulnerable with him, I can not know all the answers, I can lean on him and know he'll be able to take it.

I am so excited to build our home together.

2009 Reading List

2009-02-17T09:32:00.020-05:00

January 2009

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert - I couldn't put this book down during the first half and then just abandoned it entirely mid-way through India. I probably will never go back to try to finish it.

The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs - fluffy fluff but enjoyable. Accomplished its task of making me want to knit more!

Away by Amy Bloom - I've been recommending this book to everyone. Beautiful and haunting.

February 2009

Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates - amazing character study. Despite the fact that it was published in 1961, most of the themes still ring true today. Beautifully written.

Sarah's Key by Tatia de Rosnay - Inspired by a little known and tragic piece of French history, this novel centers on the story of a young Jewish girl in Paris in 1942 as she was rounded up with thousands of other Jewish families and forcibly kept in the Velodrome d'Hiver before being transported to their deaths at Auschwitz.

The first half of the novel is written in a side-by-side narrative between Sarah, in 1942 Paris, and Julia Jarmond, a present-day journalist. I found the book far more intriguing and well-written from the persepctive of Sarah, and when narrative ends, I didn't feel as invested in Julia's personal concerns. Some of the issues she deals with seem trite and inconsequential when stacked up against the pain endured by the other narrator. I would recommend the book to others, especially as a way to learn a bit more about this piece of French history, but I wasn't as pleased overall with the ending as I had hoped to be.

March 2009

Mister Pip by Lloyd Jones - I haven't wrapped my head around this yet, but I loved it. Haunting and moving and unforgettable. The characters were rich with emotion and flaw. The novel was set in war-ravaged Papua New Guinea, but the school teacher managed to take the children away from that nightmare by reading to them Dickens' Great Expectations.

Any Place I Hang My Hat by Susan Isaacs - a lot less fluff than I assumed it would be. A sort of chick lit for the 30 year old. Enjoyable and quick read.

The Reader by Bernard Schlink. I've been begging people to read the book before they bother seeing the movie.

April 2009

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer (and admitting to it!)

Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk - I am not quite sure what the point of the book is. It's really raw and graphic ...and I don't know if that's the point (I don't think so). He seemed to have muddled his message with the overshock of the setting! I'm all for artists pushing the envelope, but the ending seemed to be thrown together and I finished the book feeling disappointed.

May 2009

Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks - This novel is based on actual events of a plague-ravished rural town in 1660s England that made the difficult choice to seal itself off to avoid spreading the plague to other villages. In addition to disease control, the villagers also attempted to give themselves up to God's mercy. With such limited understanding of the plague, how it spread and how to treat it, their faith is tested time and again. The author examines what survival can mean to different people and how fear and ignorance shape a community. Highly recommended.

June 2009

I think I'm beginning to forget some books in here....

Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri

The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perrotta - a bit of a let-down. The ending was disappointing and the characters annoying.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows - I couldn't put this book down. I fell in love with the main character, and would love to grab a beer and some book and boy talk with her if I could.

July 2009

Bridge of Sighs by Richard Russo - The story spans the lifetime of a man tied to the loves of his life - his small town, his parents, his wife, best friend and his cherished memories of all of them. Lovely read, I'd recommend it.

August 2009

The Music Lesson by Katharine Weber - It started a bit slow and it kept putting me to sleep every time I read it. Once I hit the middle (it's a short book), I was hooked though and really enjoyed it. More about what happens to a person in refuge than the IRA heist plot that was secondary.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz - fierce, funny, tragic and beautiful. Read it. Don't be alarmed by all the Spanish phrases thrown in. You either can understand them or you don't, but more important to note is how they represent the fluidity of the language and culture throughout the characters' lives. I've studied the terror of the reign of Trujillo in the Dominican Republic from an academic and sociological perspective, but this novel brought that history of a culture to a whole new level.

Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise by Ruth Reichl (audiobook) - she writes about food beautifully - the colors, scents, textures and tastes come bounding off her plate and into your imagination!

The Sharper Your Knife, The Less You Cry: Love, Laughter and Tears at the World's Most Famous Cooking School by Kathleen Flinn (audiobook) - After a corporate lay-off, Flinn decides to follow her dream and empty her bank account and go to Le Cordon Bleu in Paris. With little to no fluency in French and no plans for what to do afterwards, she cooks her way towards a culinary degree. Funny and charming, the story is a behind-the-scenes look at what it would be like to attend such a famous cooking school, how magical Paris can be, and how far a little encouragement can take you. The book includes a recipe at the end of each chapter. Funny and engaging and delicious.

September 2009

Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs (audiobook)

October 2009

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

November 2009

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

December 2009

A break from blogging

2008-12-04T08:52:00.002-05:00

I'm guessing no one even stops by anymore to read my blog since I haven't posted in such a long time....Sorry!

I've been formulating things I want to blog about, but a lot of them are just so personal and I've been chickening out about baring my soul. It's been an intense few months and I feel like I've grown a lot. Nothing outrageous has happened, more that I've just been in a period of blossoming....learning more about myself and opening up.

I think it's time to return and start writing again though.

I'll be back soon....I promise.

Books I've Read - 2008

2008-11-12T14:39:00.001-05:00

January 2008
Sarah (from the Canaan trilogy) by Marek Halter

February 2008
The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

March 2008
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (sort of muddled through and never finished)

For some reason, I just wasn't reading for months - I'd try, and just get bored of a book or put it down one day and not pick it up again. So I read a lot of magazines and blogs and news articles, but not books. When that happens, chick lit is usually the cure. I don't know why, but it gets me back into the swing of a book routine every time.

May 2008
Fishbowl by Sarah Mlynowski

June 2008
Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami
Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder - comfort reading for sad days

July 2008
White Oleander by Janet Fitch (have been recommending this non-stop. Read it!)

August 2008
Love in Idleness by Amanda Craig
The Book of Dead Birds by Gayle Brandeis

September 2008
Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer by Jen Lancaster
Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella - oh chick lit, you make me happy

October 2008
Marley & Me by John Grogan - I have the world's worst bunny. Bunnicula some call her. Others won't call her anything at all. But she and I have a great bond that exists despite her crazy tendencies. I should write a book about Charlie and Me. She's my first pet, everyone else is afraid of her, yet she's changed my life.
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire - ~~still trying to read it and it's going very slowly.~~ Gave up. Reading a book for fun should be fun.

Shopaholic Takes Manhattan by Sophie Kinsella - needed a quick, light read to get the taste of Wicked out of my mouth and chick lit usually does the job. I don't know if I'm getting too old for it or if this particular book is just really annoying, but I found myself indifferent about the annoying shopaholic character, Rebecca Bloomwood. I vaguely remember being as annoyed by her when I read the first book so I don't know why I went back for more punishment.

November 2008
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold - beautifully written and thought-provoking. How easy is it really to let go?

Noncommital underachiever

2008-10-21T13:00:00.005-04:00

I'm stuck in the middle of the book Wicked and can't decide if I want to keep reading it or not. Everyone I know that's read it has given up at some point partly through... I'll trudge for a bit longer, but I don't think reading should be trudging, I think it should be a bit more glorious and enjoyable than that.

I had a big urge to knit last night...maybe I'll finally finish a project this year. Why is it always so easy to start a project and so hard for me to finish?

Last month I decided to work out regularly and have been slacking off these past few weeks. My weight loss has been up and down, lose 2 pounds one week, gain them back the next.

What is going on with me!? I need to get serious, make some decisions and make some progress.

Sleepytime tea

2008-10-09T22:57:00.001-04:00

Slippers and sleepytime tea = bliss

A month and a half!?

2008-10-08T18:52:00.002-04:00

It's been well over a month since my last post and that's just ridiculous. Had a few busy weeks, a few overwhelmed days of bingeing or trying to pull myself out of the cycle, some fun nights out, a few good books, some great progress with my crazy lady and lots of other things in between.

I will definitely try to be better about updating my blog more often....

I was tagged by my favorite friend MB (who I get to see at Christmas - yippee!) so I'll post it to get myself going:

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:50ish am
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds are just so beautiful but if I were to get one, I'd want it to be some sort of "safe" diamond. Did you know there are even extraterrestrial diamonds?
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Pineapple Express. My friend and I were the only ones laughing. I still think it was hilarious.
4. What is your favourite TV show? Project Runway, Amazing Race
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? yogurt or a Kashi granola bar, fruit and coffee
6. What is your middle name? I have two
7. What food do you dislike? Onions!! A friend once filled my bed with onions - under the covers, in my pillows, everywhere. Luckily they weren't peeled or chopped.
8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Can't stop listening to the Once sountrack (still) and listen to Radiohead nonstop
9. What kind of car do you drive? Volvo
10. Favourite sandwich? You know, I don't think I have one. Do most people?
11. What characteristic do you despise? I've realized lately that it is true quite often that the things you dislike the most in those close to you are the things you hate or fear about yourself...
12. Favourite item of clothing? Because it's fall - slippers or my down vest
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Today, I'd like to go here - Kolarbyn Eco-Lodge
14. Favourite brand of clothing? I have no idea.
15. Where would you retire to? I want to retire to a farm in a warm climate
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My 30th was pretty great - Radiohead concert, a few days off from work, a party and night away with some of my closest friends
17. Favorite sport to watch? Tennis
18. When is your birthday? August
19. Are you a morning person or a night person? Definitely night
20. What is your shoe size? 9
21. Pets? Two monster bunnies - Bunnicula (Charlie bear) and Zooey
22. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us? One month since I quit smoking!
23. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher and a flight attendant
24. How are you today? Hopeful
25. What is your favourite candy(lollie/chocolate)? Chocolate
26. What is your favourite flower? Lilies
27. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The day my debt is paid off
28. What is your full name? Not on my blog. Or yours.
29. What are you listening to right now? Michael Kors and Heidi Klum hating on Kenley. I'm right there with them.
30. What was the last thing you ate? Homemade minestrone and biscuits
31. Do you wish on stars? Of course!
32. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Cerulean Blue
33. How is the weather right now? Dark and sort of chilly
34. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? My mother
35. Favourite soft drink? Coke for a hangover
36. Favourite restaurant? Lately I love Pepperland Cafe
37. Real hair colour? light brown/dark blonde
38. What was your favourite toy as a child? I loved my tape player - that went along with the books (turn the page at the chime *dddrrrring*)
39. Summer or winter? Summer!
40. Hugs or kisses? Depends who they're coming from
41. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
42. Coffee or tea? Coffee in the morning, tea in the evening
43. When was the last time you cried? I'm probably due for a good cry.
44. What is under your bed? Charlie bear is hanging out under there right now with a few suitcases
45. What did you do last night? Watched TV and made soup
46. What are you afraid of? My own success
47. Salty or sweet? salty
48. How many keys on your key ring? 4
49. How many years at your current job? In a few months it will be 5!
50. Favourite day of the week? Saturday
51. How many places have you lived in? I think 10
52. Do you make friends easily? It depends if I'm in my shy mode.

Today I'm grateful for: crunchy leaves underfoot, bike rides after work

As I was told, "it's easier to understand your own culture once you learn another language"

2008-08-21T17:50:00.005-04:00

I had a long discussion about language with one of the guests at the weddng in New Brunswick . She was a native French speaker and didn't learn English until well into her twenties when she moved to Toronto and it was required for her job. I had been feeling hesitant about ever being fluent in another language until I met so many people that weekend whose second language wasn't mastered until well into their adulthood. This woman mentioned to me how she never understood her culture as well until she learned another language. To be able to see how word choices and definitions reflect a culture's values and humor give breadth to your vision into yourself.

Quite an interesting reflection. I've been pondering that idea lately, so it was great to stumble upon these articles from NPR and Times Online about words in each language that are difficult to translate but are perfect descriptions for just about anything. These articles are both a few years old.

Some examples:

esprit de I'escalier [es-pree de less-ka/-iay] (idiom) FRENCH
A witty remark that occurs to you too late, literally on the way down the stairs. The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations defines esprit de l'escalier as, "An untranslatable phrase, the meaning of which is that one only thinks on one's way downstairs of the smart retort one might have made in the drawing room."

meraki [may-rah-kee] (adjective) GREEK
This is a word that modern Greeks often use to describe doing something with soul, creativity, or love -- when you put "something of yourself" into what you're doing, whatever it may be. Meraki is often used to describe cooking or preparing a meal, but it can also mean arranging a room, choosing decorations, or setting an elegant table.

yoko meshi [yoh-koh mesh-ee] (noun) JAPANESE
"As an untranslatable, this one ranks high on my list of favorites. I could not improve on the background given by commentator Boye Lafayette de Mente about this beautiful word, yoko meshi. Taken literally, meshi means 'boiled rice' and yoko means 'horizontal,' so combined you get 'a meal eaten sideways.'This is how the Japanese define the peculiar stress induced by speaking a foreign language: yoko is a humorous reference to the fact that Japanese is normally written vertically, whereas most foreign languages are written horizontally. How do English-speakers describe the headache of communicating in an alien tongue? I don't think we can, at least not with as much ease."

taarradhin [tah-rah-deen] (noun) ARABIC
Arabic has no word for "compromise" in the sense of reaching an arrangement via struggle and disagreement. But a much happier concept, taarradhin, exists in Arabic. It implies a happy solution for everyone, an "I win, you win." It's a way of resolving a problem without anyone losing face.

Today I'm grateful for: fresh produce from local farmstands, backyard gardeners begging you to take cucumbers off their hands, blueberries, Across the Universe, white wine

Lusting

2008-08-20T09:45:00.003-04:00

Found this camera for $100 cheaper than I've seen it elsewhere....

Canon Rebel XTi digital SLR

I want it. Fingers crossed that my car repairs aren't as bad as I am expecting. But....I drive a Volvo. It usually doesn't work that way.

Last day of my twenties....

2008-08-13T11:54:00.002-04:00

Sitting around my apartment with no pants on, drinking coffee, surfing the internet, reading books. I thought I should do more than this, but I'm perfectly content.

Tonight I'm going to see Radiohead with Y and two of our closest friends (the couple whose wedding we met at). Radiohead! I've wanted to see them for years and their tickets are so hard to get. A birthday present from Y, and a present of sorts from the friends we're going with as they called me first for dibs on the two tickets.

Ahhh, good things. I feel content, I feel ready, I feel good.

Finally, I feel good.

Haven't really binged in a few weeks and I am starting to feel that all the pain that I've been holding onto and unsure of how to deal with is melting away. I'm conscious of it, I'm aware of moving past it. It's incredibly liberating. I feel like I'm OK on my own, OK without the weight of the past strapped to me and holding me back. I don't need to use it as a crutch, as a barrier....I can live without it. I can use it to make me stronger and better.

That scared little kid I've been for so long is finally growing up. And I really, really like who she's becoming.

de conduire au Canada

2008-08-07T09:29:00.003-04:00

Little black dress
Road map
iPod
Sunglasses
Bathing suit
Book

I'm ready to go.

Wedding in northern New Brunswick Friday night (which may or may not be performed en francais), camping in Fundy National Park Saturday night, oceanfront camping in downeast Maine on Sunday night.

Today I'm grateful for: giddiness before a trip, seeing new landscapes, deep pink carnations

pure deliciousness

2008-07-31T15:54:00.002-04:00

I wish I could have either written this poem or had it written just for me....

Gold (by Donald Hall)

Pale gold of the walls, gold

of the centers of daisies, yellow roses

pressing from a clear bowl. All day

we lay on the bed, my hand

stroking the deep

gold of your thighs and your back.

We slept and woke

entering the golden room together,

lay down in it breathing

quickly, then

slowly again,

caressing and dozing, your hand sleepily

touching my hair now.



We made in those days

tiny identical rooms inside our bodies

which the men who uncover our graves

will find in a thousand years,

shining and whole.

So many storms

2008-07-29T10:01:00.003-04:00

The storms lately have been fierce and intense. Incredible shows of lightening with deep thunder crashing overhead and then rumbling off into the distance.
I love the looming darkness just before a storm. The buzz of electricity in the air...the rush to get indoors where you'll be safe and dry.

Rain, rain go away

2008-07-23T17:45:00.004-04:00

I was actually going to blog last night for the first time in too long. Instead I had a baking disaster that added up to a bunch of lemon cupcakes that turned out bright yellow and sunken in on themselves. Thank goodness for supermarket bakeries. No pictures need be shared of the catastrophe. I even whipped up some yummy lemon buttercream frosting. Must find something else to do with it tonight.

New season of Project Runway started last week. I just love it! And it's indulgent TV that doesn't make me feel quite so guilty for some reason. Not that it's any classier than anything else on TV, but certainly Tim Gunn adds to the epicurean value, no!? And Heidi Klum is just too cute for words. How can you not want to have the two of them over for coffee!?

I'm currently stuck at work because it's raining so hard outside and I have not only no umbrella but a VERY thin little dress on. No need to put on a show for all my colleauges as I run by the windows in the rain!

Today I'm grateful for: girls' nights, being hopeful about love, houses in the woods, nights in with a good book

Book recommendations?

2008-07-15T17:34:00.003-04:00

Book recommendations please?

Keep in mind, it's summertime and hot here (today it was about 91F and very humid). Do the seasons affect what you like to read?

Apologies and cookies for all

2008-07-09T10:23:00.005-04:00

I have so much I want to blog about but a lack of energy to delve into any of those things and actually commit the time to it.

So for now, I'll leave you with this cookie recipe instead.

White Chip Cocoa Cookies (courtesy of Nestle Toll House)

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2/3 cup baking cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup butter or margarine, softened
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1 (12 ounce) package white chocolate chips
1 1/2 cups pecans, walnuts or other chopped nuts (0ptional)

DIRECTIONS

PREHEAT oven to 350 degrees F.
COMBINE flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Beat in eggs. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in morsels. Drop by well-rounded teaspoon onto ungreased baking sheets.
BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until centers are set. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Notes: I've been making these for years and everyone always loves them. I bake them no longer than 9 minutes, otherwise they get too crispy and I like my cookies soft and chewy. These are quick and easy and always a hit. They don't look incredibly pretty, but the taste more than makes up for it. I"ve just recently started adding nuts to this recipe and they're not necessary, but they add a bit of oomph to an already delicious treat.

MIA

2008-07-02T09:07:00.003-04:00

Usually when someone does not blog for weeks it either means that life is better or worse than normal..... Nothing too specific has happened with me, but I've been having a few rough weeks and needed some space on my own to sort through some things.

So an update on what else I've been up to:

Reading: Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami. Can't seem to put it down! The characters have such an emotional depth and have drawn me into their lives by inciting sympathy, anger, lust, confusion, nostalgia, and longing. A must read.

Listening to: J'adore Carla Bruni and I've recently discovered the Talking Timbuktu album by Ry Cooder and Ali Farka Toure and can't get enough

Wishing for: a plane ticket to appear on my doorstep. Running away for a few weeks, basking in the sun, picking wildflowers, breathing fresh air, sleeping on a cloud, taking long walks.

Daydreaming about: a trip to France next year with a college roommate.

Packing for: a weekend away in Vermont, camping with 10 of my closest friends. My best friend is flying back for a few days and that makes it even better! Going to walk in the woods, eat s'mores, go on an alpine slide, buy and subsequently eat lots of cheese, laugh, talk, sing, drink. This is exactly what I need.

Life isn't so bad after all....sometimes I just need to take a step back and look at the little things.

Today I'm grateful for: 2 bunnies with the softest fur, raspberries, baking, air conditioning, packages from lovelies in Holland!

Reflection for a Monday

2008-06-16T09:34:00.001-04:00

If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
- Mary Pickford

Christmas ain't got nothing on summer!

2008-06-10T10:20:00.002-04:00

The most wonderful time of the year? SUMMER!

Having the best time already and it's technically still only spring.

Swimming in a friend's pool
Grilling in my newly discovered backyard
Barefoot dance parties in the dirt with my roommate
Camping in Vermont
Long walks in the flower-tinged evening air
Afternoons reading on the beach
Grilling in general - I'm like the newly reformed vegetarian who can't get enough steak and hamburgers - what's happening to me!?

My whole outlook is more open, my mood is lifted, my skin is golden. It's going to be a great summer - I know it! And if any summer should be good, it's this one. I am turning 30 soon, after all (and I'm admitting it!).

Warm June nights

2008-06-01T20:37:00.006-04:00

I can't believe it's already June! Love sleeping with the windows open, the breeze softly blowing in while I snuggle under a light blanket.

Eating: chicken stewed with tomatoes, corn, black beans, cayenne, chili powder, oregano, chipotle and a dash of cinnamon. I love how the sweetness of the cinnamon contrasts with the fire and smokiness of the dish. Great quick dinner served up on a tortilla with some shredded cheese or sour cream.

Watching: The Diving Bell & the Butterfly

Reading: Chick Lit

Daydreaming About: owning my own farm. Walked around Wagon Hill Farm on Great Baytoday and the millions of shades of green through the meadows had me yearning for a place I would love to settle some day.

Adoring: The new Sex & the City movie

Hello lovah.....

2008-05-30T10:16:00.007-04:00

I am so ridiculously excited!

Tonight is the premiere of the Sex and the City movie and a night of girly fun. Getting dolled up with my girlfriends and heading into Boston for the premiere and then an after party at a nearby club, complete with cosmo specials, look-a-like contests and hopefully some great outfits and shoes to ogle!
Off to get a pedicure at lunch and probably a new pair of shoes, because what better excuse than a SATC party? And a look back to Season 1 (Carrie's hair and that standard half-grimace of Miranda's!!):

No time to breathe

2008-05-28T18:56:00.002-04:00

Haven't had much spare time lately so haven't had a chance to blog about the great trip to VT, wonderful meals, confusion, work changes, great music, campfires, s'mores and everything else that has transpired lately.|

Will try to make time in the next 24 hours!

Where does the good go?

2008-05-18T21:58:00.003-04:00

After so many lonely, crazy, sad, angry, empty, awful months I started to feel like I was going to be OK. I grew more strong, complete, independent, comfortable, open, optimistic, free. But I still think about him.

I see the ocean, a tent, a certain shade of blue and I think of him. Music reminds me of him, even if its a song I've never heard before. I know I'm not meant to be with him, and when I think of the possibility it's clear to me he's not the one. Logistically, emotionally, practically - no way I look at it is right for us or me and "We" as a twosome are just not appealing to me any more.

So why do I still have him on my mind? Letting go just keeps going on...

It's less often that he comes up, and more often I find myself surprised instead of sad or traumatized at the invasion of my thoughts. And I suppose there will be a day that it will be OK, we always find a way to reconcile our past. I know there will always be a corner of my heart for him, but I'm happy to have found that I have so much more love to give and someone else who deserves it.

Today I'm grateful for: broken hearts do mend.

PSA - Appliance eating toilets

2008-05-16T11:43:00.004-04:00

The only electrical outlet in my bathroom is on the vanity next to the toilet. This means that everything that gets plugged in ends up hanging out dangerously close to the sitting bowl of water below.

Or they end up IN it.

The most recent example of this was my hair dryer and it was plugged into the wall at the time of launch. I had no idea of proper protocol or safety measures, so I just kind of hoped for the best, unplugged it, and pulled it out.

I should probably go research what I should have done.

Slowly, slowly

2008-05-14T21:01:00.004-04:00

I've been feeling anxious lately - perhaps the coupling of too much on my plate with the attempts at coming to terms with a lot of things going on with my family. But I'm trying to think about myself and understand what I'm going through instead of stifling and ignoring everything.

The cooking has been helping as it's a constructive, creative way to spend my time. In spite of the fact that it's food-related, I'm able to enjoy the effort and the meal afterwards without bingeing on unfood (junk that has no nutritional value other than comfort and pounds gained). I've missed cooking! And to be able to do it just for me is new. Previously, I only enjoyed cooking for someone else, the enjoyment came from sharing the meal, watching them savor the tastes, giving something. But cooking for just me is a whole new love!

I'm also aware of the fact that the exercise I've been doing is both for my body and my mind. If I focus on it not as a means of punishment, of removing the calories I've ingested throughout the day, of losing weight to get to a perceived happier place, it feels more like a way to just feel good. So basic but so true. To move because I can. To relieve stress and help me to sleep better. To enjoy the wind on my face or the oxygen filling my lungs or the blood pumping through my limbs.

Slowly I'm becoming the person I want to be. On my own.

Today I'm grateful for: the American robin with its big reddish belly, bundles of tulips spread throughout the house, sandalwood candles, Charlie starting to use her front paw a little more often, eating with chopsticks

Chicken Stir-Fry with Asparagus and Cashews

2008-05-14T20:43:00.003-04:00

1/2 cup raw cashews
1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into 1 1/2-inch pieces
2 tablespoons Asian fish sauce
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 cup chicken stock or low-sodium broth
1 pound asparagus, sliced on the diagonal, 1 inch thick
1 tablespoon oyster sauce
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 cup chopped basil
1/4 cup chopped chives
Freshly ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 350°. Spread the cashews in a pie plate and toast in the oven for about 8 minutes, until they are nicely browned and fragrant. Let cool.
In a medium bowl, toss the chicken with 1 tablespoon of the fish sauce. In a wok or large skillet, heat the oil until shimmering. Add the chicken in an even layer and cook over high heat, turning once, until browned and just cooked throughout, about 4 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the chicken to a clean bowl.
Pour the chicken stock into the wok and bring to a simmer, scraping up any browned bits. Add the asparagus slices, cover and cook over moderate heat until they are crisp-tender, about 3 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the asparagus to the bowl along with the chicken.
Add the remaining 1 tablespoon of fish sauce to the wok along with the oyster sauce, lime juice and cayenne pepper. Simmer until the sauce is reduced to 1/3 cup, about 2 minutes. Return the chicken pieces and sliced asparagus to the wok and toss to heat through. Remove the wok from the heat and stir in the cashews, basil and chives. Season the stir-fry with black pepper and serve right away.

I would probably reduce the fish sauce and only had lightly salted roasted cashews which were a bit too salty for this recipe. I would also increase the cayenne a bit for more heat. Otherwise, delicious and quick!

Recipe courtesy of Food and Wine Magazine

A kick in the pants

2008-05-13T19:24:00.003-04:00

Today I was able to get outside and go for a walk instead of staying in to binge. I made a choice. Seems like an easy choice, but most often, it doesn't feel that way to me and I'm left feeling powerless, sad and frightened. I'm so proud of myself for thinking of what would make me feel good instead of what would make me feel numb.

The weather is warm, the air was filled with the scent of freshly cut grass and flowering trees, and I managed to open my eyes and see things that make me smile.

Gold star day!

Today I'm grateful for: blossoming lilac trees, quiet tree-lined streets with Victorian homes and big lawns

Lemon Blueberry Cheesecake Bars

2008-05-12T10:45:00.004-04:00

So I don't forget to post this, because it's simply a recipe that must be shared.

I made this as a pie and used a pre-made graham cracker crust (the horror!), but the bars look great too. Recipe is courtesy of Tyler Florence)

(Since I didn't take a pic, I'm using this one. The blueberries in the recipe below are actually baked into the top of the cake)

Lemon Blueberry Cheesecake (Bars)

For the base:
Butter, for greasing
2 tablespoons sugar
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
9 graham crackers
1/2 stick unsalted butter, melted

For the filling:
16 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
2 eggs
2 lemons, zested and juiced
About 1/2 cup sugar, eyeball it
1 1/2 cups fresh blueberries

Powdered sugar, for dusting

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

For the base:
Grease the bottom of a 9 by 9-inch baking pan with butter. Then place parchment paper over the top, pressing down at the corners. In a food processor, process the sugar, cinnamon and graham crackers until you have the texture of bread crumbs. Add the melted butter and pulse a couple of times to fully incorporate. Pour into the lined baking pan and gently pat down with the base of a glass. Bake in the oven for 12 minutes until golden. When done set aside to cool.

For the filling:
Add cream cheese, eggs, lemon zest, lemon juice and sugar to the food processor and mix until well combined. It should have a smooth consistency. Pour onto the cooled base and then cover with blueberries. They will sink slightly but should still be half exposed -- as the cake bakes they will sink a little more and break down.

Bake in the oven for 35 minutes or until the center only slightly jiggles. Remove from the oven and cool completely before refrigerating for at least 3 hours. Once set, remove from pan using the parchment lining and slice into 10 rectangular bars. Dust with powdered sugar.

Since I was reminded,,,,

2008-05-11T20:15:00.002-04:00

I haven't ended a blog entry lately with what I'm grateful for...so to try to recover from the heavy sadness I'm feeling today, and as a reminder that I'm truly a fortunate girl, here is my catch-up list.

Today, I'm grateful for: the many tulips filling my apartment with a little cheer, my warm bed, my curiosity about people and places, my memories of Peru, the sun on my shoulders, iced coffee, lovely friends who have become closer to me than family, laughing at being called The Dude while I drank Kahlua and milk (if only I had a bathrobe a la The Big Lebowski), learning new and healthier coping mechanisms to deal with things, maps, travel bookstores, the blues of Santorini (someday!), smooth linoleum and hardwood floors under my bare feet

Sunday afternoon baking

2008-05-11T19:46:00.006-04:00

I'd been craving thumbprint cookies today, so as a pick-me-up for a slow Sunday decided to make some. Recipe is courtesy of Emeril Lagasse. I halved the recipe but still used the two egg yolks and these came out with almost like a shortbread. Delicious. The lemon is a nice subtle surprise and the liquid in the jam gives the filling a smooth consistency.

Raspberry Lemon Thumbprint Cookies

1/2 cup raspberry jam or jelly
1 tablespoon Chambord or kirsch (I used peach schnapps)
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 sticks (1 cup) butter, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
2 large egg yolks
1 tablespoon finely grated lemon zest
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly butter 2 large baking sheets.

In a small bowl, combine the jam and Chambord. Stir to combine.

In a medium bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, and salt and whisk to blend.

In a large bowl using an electric mixer, beat the butter and sugar until light and creamy. Beat in the egg yolks, lemon zest, lemon juice and vanilla. Add the flour mixture in 2 additions and beat just until moist clumps form. Gather the dough together into a ball.

Pinch off the dough to form 1-inch balls. Place on the prepared baking sheets, spacing 1-inch apart. Use your floured index finger or 1/2 teaspoon measuring spoon to create depressions in the center of each ball. Fill each indentation with nearly 1/2 teaspoon of the jam mixture. Bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes.

Transfer the cookies to wire racks to cool completely.

A little pick-me-up

2008-05-08T23:51:00.001-04:00

With a nod to MB

shel silverstein

2008-05-07T22:27:00.004-04:00

A friend today was in a stressful situation and reached out to me to get herself through the long waiting time. Who better can create a distraction and make you smile than She'll Silverstein? Reading his poems helped me feel a lot better too.

Here's another seemingly more appropriate for today:

Whatif by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Brought the bear in for some more tests this morning... Of course I waited a half hour for the vet to come in, all the while Charlie is stressed because she figured out exactly where she was, and I'm stressed because I'm listening the the man in the next exam room cry after receiving what I'm assuming is bad news. Charlie is at the vet now, they'll call me when she's ready to be picked up. They're encouraging me to do the x-rays as soon as possible. In the event that she has a kidney problem, it could be causing issues internally that should be treated ASAP.

Charlie bear

2008-05-06T20:23:00.002-04:00

I had to take Charlie to the vet today because she's sick and we're not quite sure what's going on.... She's an old lady now, but my favorite bunny in the world (and my first pet ever!) so hope that everything turns out OK and that some good vet treatment and lots of love from me will fix her up quickly....

sat morning update

2008-05-03T09:38:00.004-04:00

Thanks to a comment from Ms. Cookie, I am feeling much better about my task list. Prioritizing is key. So while I did prioritize watching 27 Dresses and eating ice cream over my list last night, I feel worlds better this morning. And I still got some stuff done. So if I need to carry some things over to next week, so what?

I'm not used to having free time, so when I do, I always come up with these grand lists of things to accomplish. And then when I can't to them all, I get so disappointed and frustrated with myself. Oh, time management, why do you elude me so?

Work
Laundry (already have 4 loads done!)
~~Dishes~~
~~Make macaroni and cheese to bring to a friend's little sister and her roommate~~
~~Go through bills and pay off credit~~ cards (ALL my credit cards are paid off!! That’s an incredible feeling!)
~~Work out~~ (twice!)
~~Clean up mess left from leaking ceiling~~

Organize closet
Drop off clothes at Goodwill
Make cards
Write out already-purchased thank you cards
Rework budget for May
Study for the GREs - follow Week 1
Organize recipes and cookbooks
Volunteer at the NH public television auction Saturday evening
Visit bf
Survey camping equipment
Call my brother

Things to do...

2008-05-01T11:50:00.008-04:00

I'm feeling overwhelmed about all the things I need to do in the next few days, so I decided to list them. BUT, I wanted to infuse fun things in as well to make my time seem more enjoyable and less like all chores and no fun.

Now, granted, this list may not seem all that long to you, but sitting here buried under a mountain of work, everything seems like a big deal.

What's that you say? Close your internet browser and start working. Blogging isn't going to help you scale Mt. Work! Yeah, yeah. Everyone needs a few minutes to refresh and recharge!

Anyway, here goes with my list for the next 4 days:

Work

Work

Laundry - the pile is almost as tall as me. I think it's approached 5 feet. Granted, it includes sweaters to be brought to the dry cleaners, it's still embarassingly tall for a laundry pile.

Dishes - I've been on a cooking frenzy and so the kitchen's been getting dirty a lot more quickly lately!

Organize closet - again. The system is working pretty well, but it's starting to get a little cluttered again

Drop off clothes at Goodwill

Work

Make macaroni and cheese to bring to a friend's little sister and her roommate (Yum!)

Make cards

Write out already-purchased thank you cards

Go through bills and pay off credit cards (Yay!!)

Rework budget for May

Study for the GREs - follow Week 1

Work out - already made plans with a friend for today and tomorrow (Yay!)

Organize recipes and cookbooks - I don't know if this will be fun or not. Let's hope so!

Volunteer at the NH public television auction Saturday evening

Visit bf and hope I'm not all PMSy and miserable

Clean up mess left from leaking ceiling

Survey camping equipment after I had to throw a bunch of stuff away the last time the ceiling leaked

Think of all the money I'll save by doing things around the house instead of being out drinking and shopping and spending!

Call my brother about a bike and making plans to see my fabulous nieces

OK, I'm tired typing all of this so I'm going to stop. I think that's more than enough for one weekend.

Naked toes

2008-04-24T17:04:00.003-04:00

I have naked toes for the first time in what seems like years. No nail polish - no funky blues, sexy reds or girly pinks. And actually no bruises on my nail beds either which is also a change from the past few summers!

I'm going to get a pedicure soon; but for now, I'm kind of actually enjoying the nudity south of the ankles. Except when I still wear flip flops on chilly days and my toes turn blue. It makes it a little too obvious that New England weather is unpredictable!

Two Days in Paris....again

2008-04-23T23:43:00.004-04:00

I watched Two Days in Paris again the other night. This time with the bf. The first time I saw it I had just met him and was watching the movie from a very different point of view. I had just met him after a very rough year following and even more rough break-up.

Watching this again reminded me that it's so important to be open and honest in a relationship...to yourself. I've made a solid, and at times very difficult, point of being me in this relationship. I'm vulnerable, I'm open, I'm trying to make this relationship about the two people we really are. And not the people we need the other to be, the people we want to be, the people we're searching for. Just each other.

It's amazing how much less complicated it is than I anticipated. Is it scary sometimes? Sure it is. Being vulnerable and emotionally available is one of the most difficult things for me but I'm learning. Practice is certainly making it easier....and I find the rewards incredible. A lot of this is coming from me facing my demons and working through them. And part of it is having supportive friends who've helped me to start opening up so I can be more open in a relationship.

Below is the part of the ending narrative by Marion from the film (not a full spoiler though - no worries). Julie Delpy is just so wonderful! I love her solo writing/directorial effort. Can't wait to see what she has in store for us.

----------------------------------

I confessed to Jack that the toughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good. The idea that this is it, this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. To decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem is very difficult for me.

Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

----------------------------------

I had a conversation recently about the concept of one great love in a lifetime. Is there only one? I no longer idealize the relationship I had with J. I loved him intensely, but that love wasn't enough. There were far too many things muddling up our communication and our trust, we lost sight of ourselves in the power struggle against each other and our problems. I do solidly believe that in spite of everything, it was a great love...but I don't know that I can gain no other great loves.

My current relationship just feels a lot more mature. I was 21 when I fell in love with J and we spent the next 7 years trying to figure ourselves out in the context of our relationship, without full freedom to determine who we were on our own.

I value these past months I've had to really focus on myself and start to be comfortable and reliant on only me. It's been purely liberating. Bloody hard, but so worth it.

Oh, tropical bliss

2008-04-10T19:57:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the delay in posting... I just got back from my week in Florida with the bf. Some highlights:

Spending hours on the beach, the constant breeze keeping us cool while the sun made my skin a healthy, golden brown
The jewel-blue waters of the Keys
Spending an evening looking at the stars because we didn't have any firewood - not a bad trade-off!
Mango daiquiris, margaritas, cold beers
Conch fritters, key lime pie and perfectly grilled salmon
Finally giving up my resistance to the idea of falling in love with someone else

I'm floating.

New color, new cut, all free

2008-03-27T12:40:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine invited me to try out her hair salon, with all services free of charge. Since the stylists had just gone to the Chicago hair show, they were eager for people to work on to try out their new ideas and techniques.

Free cut and color? I'm all over it. My hair was grown out and mousy brown and I needed help! This isn't a student that cut my hair. She's been a professional for at least four years and just wanted to gain a new client in me put some advertising on my head.

Irina, my favorite new stylist, foiled all over my head with blonde highlights all over and some brown lowlights on the crown. For a cut, she kept some of the length which I liked, as she wanted to use my long face-framing layers as the highlight. The back is just a bit shorter, so it's a fun, funky cut. I even cut bangs (fringe)! I feel like they changed the shape of my face, bring out my eyes and are much more complementary.

I'm thrilled and have already booked a follow-up appointment for five weeks out. Nothing like a new style to boost your confidence!
These pics don't really show off the color as they were taking in flourescent light with my blackberry, but it's good!