today I'm glad

it's been over a year since i last blogged, so here's my new space...ready to go. sort of. it's got no bells and whistles yet but i just want to do this now so i actually get it started. more interesting posts to come, i hope...

i've been doing it again for weeks - eating like a crazed women. ignoring what's bothering me, avoiding certain issues, running away from confronting my feelings. my weight creeps up, my skin looks sallow, my clothes fit poorly. as i see the scale creep up 1, 2, 6 pounds, i am convinced that the problem is actually that i'm fat and that i look awful. the perfect distraction from actually dealing with the things i need to.

i was feeling more like myself in the past few months, and i convinced myself that i don't have an eating disorder anymore. nice as that would be, it doesn't quite go away so easily and quickly. i feel ready again to admit i have a lot of work to do and feel strong enough to start working on it again. this new blog of mine is a chance to be open again, to talk about who i am and how I will deal with this struggle. the fun stuff and the hard stuff...it's all me.

on an ED site today (http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org), I read a suggestion to express gratitude each day as one of my recovery tools. pretty simple advice that i've read countless times before. with what i'm going through right now, i forget sometimes to reflect on the things that are positive in my life. instead of giving myself a pat on the back for a great idea i had or a project completed, i focus on these negative exaggerated points that aren't relative or helpful.

so to start: today I'm glad i started this blog