Sober Eating

Since I've cut out refined grains and refined sugars for the last 10 days, I've been feeling pretty amazing physically. I haven't had any strong cravings, no physical urges to binge and have been getting more an more sensitive to the subtle tastes of food -sweetness of carrots has increased, the complexity of flavors seems more obvious to me. Eating this way has been a pleasure, an adventure and mostly, as cheesy as it sounds, a gift to myself and my health.

I was talking to my crazy lady about how good it feels to eat well, how easy it seems this time around. I also mentioned how I've been more moody than normal. She thought maybe this is a direct reaction to not having binges and binge trigger foods to mask some of the emotions I would normally need to feel and deal with directly. She also thought that it might seem easy because I've drawn a line in the sand with the refined foods. That for me, this might be my version of "sober eating". That I might need to continue to do this to allow my body to adjust to feeling good and using food for fuel and nourishment as opposed to using it mostly as a drug.

The concept of sober eating was new to me, but as soon as she used that term, I completely understood what she meant. It seemed such a fitting term for how I should aim to eat and what I need to do as part of my recovery from this eating disorder. I had never thought of myself as seeking out sobriety. I don't have an issue with drugs or alcohol, which I usually equate with the concept of sobriety. But I do have an addictive issue with food and bingeing, and have been using something similar to addiction counseling to deal with my food issues. So this idea of sobriety and sober eating really put a new frame of thinking for me.

And how amazing that I've been not only free from binges for two weeks now, but free from even the URGE to binge?? When I've been eating clean (i.e., "sober"), it hasn't been a struggle at all and I haven't had to make any decisions about bingeing or not...it just hasn't come up. Yes, I've been a bit moody, a bit sensitive, a bit sad. But I haven't been any of those things enough to drive me into a binge. Or to pull down my strength enough to make me consider a binge. I've just felt like I'm getting stronger, getting closer to the way I want to live my life. The way I WILL live my life. I'm doing it now. I would have never been able to do this even a year ago.... After 3 days max eating like this, I would have turned it into a control issue and binged privately and grandly.

I don't think I will continue on forever without another urge to binge. Life gets tough, I have my fallbacks and my coping mechanisms that aren't always the best. But for now, since I've found something that seems to be working, I'm going to give it a try for the long haul.

My goal is to do an 85-15 eating plan. What I mean by this is that 85% of the food I eat will be sober foods - no refined grains, no refined sweeteners, as few unprocessed foods as possible. Just real food. There's no reason I can't do this when I'm shopping and cooking for myself. The 15% comes in when visiting friends and family, out to dinner, away from home.

I'm going to think more about this idea of sober eating and clean living as it relates to the bingeing and the way my body feels. So far, I think I might be onto something.

HYC Challenge Check-In

Joy of joys, I'm back on track. Sure, there have been some mess-ups and some slips. But isn't that part of being on plan? Isn't that just a normal part of living? You make mistakes, you have a bad day, you live with it and you move on.

One of the things that always surprises me when I come back to focus after flailing for a while is that it's SO much easier to be on plan than off it. Without staying on plan, I'm worried that I ate too much so in turn I eat more to deal with the stress. I feel guilty about my indulgences and so avoid the scale. I "feel fat" and skip the gym and the weight creeps up and up and up. And my overall mood creeps downward steadily. I let myself be disempowered. (Spell check wants me to change that to disemboweled!! Errr, not quite what I was going for.)

The mental energy it takes me to feel badly and beat myself up for days/weeks/months about what I'm doing "wrong" is hard to get out from under. It seems to spiral, to linger, to weigh heavily..... And then things shift, something snaps, motivation returns (or even just a glint of motivation!) and it's time again to TRY.

Trying is the best we can do. And trying includes the good and the bad. But giving myself a chance to try is the most I can ask for.

And the more days that go by with me trying, the better I feel. And the more I try, the EASIER it is. What keeps many of us from trying is that we assume that it will be SO hard. That we'll have to make so many sacrifices and so many changes. What's tough is beating myself up every day. What's not is believing in what I'm doing, believing in myself, and nourishing my body. Giving myself a chance to be healthy? I have to admit, it feels pretty amazing!

The little self-destructive devil on my shoulder

Yesterday was totally up and down. Started the day motivated and on track. But I had this nagging little voice (PMS!) telling me how hungry, how stressed, how restless I was all day. Every time I tried to ignore it, it came back twice as strong. I forgot my sneakers for the gym so had to change my workout plans. Disappointment! So...I eventually gave in and had too many snacks in the afternoon. I chose mostly healthy options (yogurt, granola bar) but I ate my points I had allotted for dinner. I changed things up and planned on a salad for dinner to make up for the extra points.

The idea of not just letting the whole day go to pot and eating everything in the cupboard wasn't a temptation at that point yet. I knew I could handle it....I just had to stay focused and eat my salad for dinner. The day was not lost. When I got home from work, I asked the boyfriend to go for a walk with me. We just took a short 1.6 mile walk around the neighborhood, but I did feel better. At least I could undo a TINY bit of damage and then enjoy my salad for dinner.

But then around 8:30 or 9...I let that little voice win again. While I was prepping the crock pot for tonight's dinner, I reached into the cupboard for a handful of M&Ms, then another, then another. Then I managed to make a large bowl of popcorn to share with the bf. By that point, I was so stuffed and disappointed, I just went to bed.

Ugh! I ate all my daily points, the rest of my weekly points and all my activity points for the week! Plus two more!! I did track it all, which I feel is an accomplishment...but I shouldn't have let myself get so out of control.

Today I'm dusting myself off and moving on. I have a really busy day, and then two meetings after work. I'll make sure to have a snack around 5 since I'll be eating a late dinner.

Maybe I can even squeeze in 20 minutes of yoga or so before bed? We'll see. Today's a new day.

The weight creeps back on when we're not looking.

Between months of anxiety/depression, skipping the gym for who knows how long, and starting new meds to help combat the blues (which have the lovely side effect of making me SO hungry!), I've put on some weight. I haven't regained everything, but I'm worried if I stay on this path, I will.

So to get my weight back down AND to start feeling healthy again, I'm back.

Back to making good food choices.
Back to thinking about feeling good and being healthy.
Back to exercising!

First order of business - get the Easter candy OUT of the house. And not in the "Quick, eat it all so it can be gone" way....I'm going to bring it to work and leave it in the kitchen. It's safer being shared by 30 people than being eaten solely by me!

What a difference a day makes...

"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices."

- Paul Tournier *

Reflections on Monday night's binge-fest:

Monday afternoon I had an appointment with my crazy lady where I told her all about how I haven't binged in months and how it doesn't occur to me anymore to do that. Interesting how that very night I binged again. Yes, I'm stressed out, yes I'm overwhelmed, but I have better tools now.... so where did that come from?

I've decided that it was a few things. A)I think it was hormones. B)I think it was me trying to test myself to see if bingeing might still work if I try really hard. Like a security blanket or a safety word, I wanted to see if I could still fall back on it. Luckily, I found that I can't. C) I think it was one off night that doesn't mean much in the long run.

The morning after my binge, I ran into a coworker who asked me if I've been losing weight. SCORE! Perfect reminder that one night doesn't change a thing. I've worked hard, I've lost weight and I'll continue to if I keep going!

What I find surprising and quite comforting about all of this is that I used to binge nightly (or almost). I was hiding from my feelings and punishing/numbing myself with food 3 or 4 nights a week! No wonder I couldn't lose weight and didn't have the motivation to work out. I was literally stuffed with food. Or I was beating myself up for being stuffed, or anticipating the next secret binge. Talk about a cycle. I remember thinking I would never be able to stop it. I couldn't imagine being able to go a week without a binge. Now I can go months. Hooray! {Reminder to focus on the good things and the progress!}

I also remember never really feeling hungry. Mentally yes, but not physically. It's quite amazing that my health is overall as good as it is. Great cholesterol, great blood pressure, great blood sugar {take that, inner bitch voice - undeniable greatness! ;)}

I have come to terms with the fact that some days will be harder than others. And sometimes I might want to binge. Some days I'll win, and some days I might stumble down the path of snacky bingeitude.

That's life.

My favorite lesson to date: Perfect is a myth (and a dangerous one). It too me many, lots of anguish and damn hard work to figure that one out. That's one thing I'm happy to quit! Now I'm free of trying to be perfect every day and, in turn, having to disappoint myself every day. No wonder I had such reason to binge so frequently!

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* Note: I don't really know anything about Paul Tournier, but I loved the quote when I read it today and thought it perfect for today's post.

Always glaring into mirrors...

I saw Ani DiFranco perform live last night at a fabulous little venue called The Music Hall in downtown Portsmouth. The show was incredible and it was interesting to listen to her now as a mother, as someone deeply happy and in love. Her music has softened a bit, opened up. She spoke about how much easier it is to write songs about the problems, the tough times, and how you really have to work a little harder to write about being just plain happy. Interesting thought....

I was saying recently how it's easier to blog when you're happy. But when I try to write poetry, it's a different thing. Working to write about the good times, joy, love, happiness - it doesn't usually call for the pen and ink! Maybe it's because you'd rather be off enjoying it than trying to pick it apart on paper? Maybe it's because you run the risk of sounding cheesy or trite when you try to put it into words?

One song of hers that I'm stuck on lately is Present/Infant from her new album. It just strikes me every time I hear it. Given how women are taught to look for their own flaws, and how the currency of conversation between women is in insulting one's own thighs or thin hair or pale skin, I'm guessing many of you can relate to these lyrics. I think that I'm getting better at not constantly telling myself how "fat I am" or "disgusting" but I realized I've moved on to searching for enlarged pores or gray hairs or sagging bits. Not really the best trade-off!

lately i've been glaring into mirrors
picking myself apart
you'd think at my age
i'd of thought of something better to do
then make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
and i fear my life will be over
and i will have never lived unfettered

always glaring into mirrors
mad i don't look better

don't let the sellers of stuff power enough
to rob you of your grace

(from Present/Infant by Ani DiFranco)

See it performed here

Missing in inaction

It's typically a bad sign when I disappear.

I don't blog because I need some space to figure something out, I'm disappointed in myself and don't want to share that with my blog readers or admit it to myself which has to happen when I actually type and publish.

I made it through the week I hurt my back quite well. Then I had a curveball from my parents that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, as they always seem to be able to do.

I'm going to try a Zumba class at the gym tonight. I owe it to myself to get some exercise, and more importantly, to have some fun.

I'm back. No more excuses and no more hiding. I need to post when I'm having a hard time and when I'm not. That's why I have this blog and that's just reality.

The Bingey Monster strikes...

I hurt my back over the weekend and am struggling to stay on track since then. The pain and immobility has me seeking comfort and is trying to drive me back to my old habits of turning to food for comfort.

I found myself wandering over to the candy aisle at the drugstore last night after I picked up my prescription for muscle relaxers. I didn't buy the candy, but not because I didn't want to. I was struggling with the decision and talked myself down from a whole bag of Reese's Pieces eggs or some other large candy chocolate treat. I knew it was too much, that I would probably end up eating it all or making myself sick. So I had decided that I would just go for a small bag. Jelly beans or chocolate? I knew that I would indulge in everything I brought home, so I was feeling good about bargaining with myself and choosing to just get a single serving.

My boyfriend was waiting for me and I asked if he wanted something. He didn't seem to want anything and when I pushed again (trying to get him to choose something to reduce the guilt I was feeling for even buying anything), he responded with, "Nah, I'm all set. We already have candy at home." Pretty straightforward and perfectly fine answer.

What I HEARD though was, "you're disgusting, you and your candy eating repulse me, you already have enough to make you put on all the weight you've lost plus lots more, why do you want candy, you're gross and always will be."

Hmmm, projecting much?

I put (alright, practically threw) the small bag of jelly beans I'd chosen back and very icily (read:total bitch) told him to "forget it", I was ready to go home. I hobbled ahead of him out of the store in a ridiculous huff. He, of course, had NO idea why I had turned like this and what was going on.

We talked it through later and he explained that he just wasn't craving anything and because he didn't particularly want anything at that moment, he figured he could just have some of the treats we had at home if he decided he wanted anything. What I perceived him saying was what I was actually saying to myself. All the negative stuff I'd been trying to quiet in my head came pouring out when he opened his mouth. The thing about him is that he's totally supportive of me, he loves me, he thinks I'm beautiful and beyond that, he doesn't attach the emotional weight to food that I do. So I rationally KNOW that what he said he meant is what he meant. Ugh.

My reaction scared me a lot because it was so intense and I know that the pain was driving it. I haven't had a reaction like that where I've automatically and easily reverted to the self-hate tactics in a while now.

BUT what I feel good about as I type this out is that after all that, I didn't go for the candy. I didn't find a replacement when I got home to binge with. I thought it through, I took some deep breaths and I talked about it. And I didn't have any more cravings or need to eat for comfort. I worked through it.

Each piece of this exchange would have caused a massive binge in the past - the pain, the desire to comfort myself with candy, the comment from my bf, all of it. And I would have binged, and I would have numbed out, and I would have felt more out of control and worse afterwards. The "all or nothing" idea that I either had to be "perfect" or I was a "total failure" would have taken over and that would be a way to punish myself when I started to feel good and healthy and happy. But I don't rely on perfect anymore. I rely on steady and stable and normal. And that means that sometimes it will be tough.

My eating isn't spectacular right now, though I am tracking, as I just don't have the energy or ability to be mobile enough to make a lot of healthy meals and snacks. I am tracking though and that's focus I'm grateful for. I am not sure if I'll see a loss this week after last week's 5 lbs, so I'm jsut focused on getting through this pain and staying positive and good to myself.

friday blues

I'm drained.

Work has been crazy yet I haven't been motivated enough to keep up with the pace.
The weather's been either freezing cold or snowy all week and it's wearing on me.
MB moved today so we had the good-bye dinner last night. I had been anxious all day about it and that wore me down. It went much better than I had anticipated, and I left with more excitement for her than sadness for myself.
Bingeing has been on and off this week. I need to cancel cable - I know that tuning out to the TV is aiding me in my binge routines.

The positive: I have been working out, getting a decent amount of sleep and FINALLY finished The Namesake. No idea what took me so long but it was great. I started Mademoiselle Boelyn last night.

We're getting more snow this weekend and I'm actually looking forward to the excuse to stay home, live in my pajamas, watch movies and bake bread. I haven't had a decent weekend at home to myself in a while. The thought of it is actually thrilling! Does that make me pathetic?

it's war, binge monster

Today my crazy lady and I declared war on my binge monster. Am going to take this one day at a time and see what I can do to make myself healthier and stronger. I get too caught up sometimes fearing failure, so when I'm feeling good and eating well, there's a nagging doubt at the back of my mind that it can't last forever.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure HOW to take things one day at a time, but it's something I'd like to learn. It seems to go against the way so many of us function. So I will focus on the present and make decisions for now. Right this moment. Get through today.