I watched Two Days in Paris again the other night. This time with the bf. The first time I saw it I had just met him and was watching the movie from a very different point of view. I had just met him after a very rough year following and even more rough break-up.
Watching this again reminded me that it's so important to be open and honest in a relationship...to yourself. I've made a solid, and at times very difficult, point of being me in this relationship. I'm vulnerable, I'm open, I'm trying to make this relationship about the two people we really are. And not the people we need the other to be, the people we want to be, the people we're searching for. Just each other.
It's amazing how much less complicated it is than I anticipated. Is it scary sometimes? Sure it is. Being vulnerable and emotionally available is one of the most difficult things for me but I'm learning. Practice is certainly making it easier....and I find the rewards incredible. A lot of this is coming from me facing my demons and working through them. And part of it is having supportive friends who've helped me to start opening up so I can be more open in a relationship.
Below is the part of the ending narrative by Marion from the film (not a full spoiler though - no worries). Julie Delpy is just so wonderful! I love her solo writing/directorial effort. Can't wait to see what she has in store for us.
I confessed to Jack that the toughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good. The idea that this is it, this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. To decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem is very difficult for me.
Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.
Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.
I had a conversation recently about the concept of one great love in a lifetime. Is there only one? I no longer idealize the relationship I had with J. I loved him intensely, but that love wasn't enough. There were far too many things muddling up our communication and our trust, we lost sight of ourselves in the power struggle against each other and our problems. I do solidly believe that in spite of everything, it was a great love...but I don't know that I can gain no other great loves.
My current relationship just feels a lot more mature. I was 21 when I fell in love with J and we spent the next 7 years trying to figure ourselves out in the context of our relationship, without full freedom to determine who we were on our own.
I value these past months I've had to really focus on myself and start to be comfortable and reliant on only me. It's been purely liberating. Bloody hard, but so worth it.