Sep 2, 2009

What a difference a day makes...

"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices."
- Paul Tournier *

Reflections on Monday night's binge-fest:

Monday afternoon I had an appointment with my crazy lady where I told her all about how I haven't binged in months and how it doesn't occur to me anymore to do that. Interesting how that very night I binged again. Yes, I'm stressed out, yes I'm overwhelmed, but I have better tools now.... so where did that come from?

I've decided that it was a few things. A)I think it was hormones. B)I think it was me trying to test myself to see if bingeing might still work if I try really hard. Like a security blanket or a safety word, I wanted to see if I could still fall back on it. Luckily, I found that I can't. C) I think it was one off night that doesn't mean much in the long run.

The morning after my binge, I ran into a coworker who asked me if I've been losing weight. SCORE! Perfect reminder that one night doesn't change a thing. I've worked hard, I've lost weight and I'll continue to if I keep going!

What I find surprising and quite comforting about all of this is that I used to binge nightly (or almost). I was hiding from my feelings and punishing/numbing myself with food 3 or 4 nights a week! No wonder I couldn't lose weight and didn't have the motivation to work out. I was literally stuffed with food. Or I was beating myself up for being stuffed, or anticipating the next secret binge. Talk about a cycle. I remember thinking I would never be able to stop it. I couldn't imagine being able to go a week without a binge. Now I can go months. Hooray! {Reminder to focus on the good things and the progress!}

I also remember never really feeling hungry. Mentally yes, but not physically. It's quite amazing that my health is overall as good as it is. Great cholesterol, great blood pressure, great blood sugar {take that, inner bitch voice - undeniable greatness! ;)}

I have come to terms with the fact that some days will be harder than others. And sometimes I might want to binge. Some days I'll win, and some days I might stumble down the path of snacky bingeitude.

That's life.

My favorite lesson to date: Perfect is a myth (and a dangerous one). It too me many, lots of anguish and damn hard work to figure that one out. That's one thing I'm happy to quit! Now I'm free of trying to be perfect every day and, in turn, having to disappoint myself every day. No wonder I had such reason to binge so frequently!

* Note: I don't really know anything about Paul Tournier, but I loved the quote when I read it today and thought it perfect for today's post.

Sep 1, 2009

Just when I thought I was immune....

Ugh, I fell apart last night and binged. Too much stress, fear of some upcoming changes, overwhelmed at work - bad combo.

Went home and dug into a peach blueberry muffin I'd made over the weekend, found some ice cream in the freezer and had a bowl of that, dug around in the pantry and found some crackers. I was on a mission and I could not/did not stop myself.

The rest of the night I felt stuffed, uneasy and out of it. My stomach hurt, I was itchy, I was anxious and disappointed in myself. I had to run some errands and I was panicky and distracted.

And the worst part (or was it...)? It didn't work. The binging didn't take away the stress, it didn't numb me as it did before. I was even more aware of the stress and I was unable to functionally deal with it because I felt so stuffed and uncomfortable.

Something in me feels like the best way to frame this is to say that last night was a success - it was another shot at me trying to prove to myself that binging doesn't work for me anymore. It doesn't take away the tough feelings, it doesn't really hide anything. It has consequences.

Today I feel sluggish and bloated. I feel full and hungry at the same time. I'm dehydrated, I'm thirsty. I'm gassy and tired.

But I woke up realizing that it's a new day and it's a new chance to just put it behind me. I tried hiding from the stress and I failed. Tonight I'm going to try exercise and hope for (and expect) some better results. If I need to pass out on the couch afterwards because it's all I have the energy for, at least it was energy well spent. It was one stupid night, one night of too much food. I know it was a bad decision and I don't have to repeat it tonight. Today's a new chance to feel good and channel my stress in a much better way than onto my spoon!

Tonight I have plans to play tennis. I'm going to run around and have fun and get some endorphins going. Tomorrow night I have an appt with my trainer. I WILL NOT cancel or reschedule.