Ugh, I fell apart last night and binged. Too much stress, fear of some upcoming changes, overwhelmed at work - bad combo.
Went home and dug into a peach blueberry muffin I'd made over the weekend, found some ice cream in the freezer and had a bowl of that, dug around in the pantry and found some crackers. I was on a mission and I could not/did not stop myself.
The rest of the night I felt stuffed, uneasy and out of it. My stomach hurt, I was itchy, I was anxious and disappointed in myself. I had to run some errands and I was panicky and distracted.
And the worst part (or was it...)? It didn't work. The binging didn't take away the stress, it didn't numb me as it did before. I was even more aware of the stress and I was unable to functionally deal with it because I felt so stuffed and uncomfortable.
Something in me feels like the best way to frame this is to say that last night was a success - it was another shot at me trying to prove to myself that binging doesn't work for me anymore. It doesn't take away the tough feelings, it doesn't really hide anything. It has consequences.
Today I feel sluggish and bloated. I feel full and hungry at the same time. I'm dehydrated, I'm thirsty. I'm gassy and tired.
But I woke up realizing that it's a new day and it's a new chance to just put it behind me. I tried hiding from the stress and I failed. Tonight I'm going to try exercise and hope for (and expect) some better results. If I need to pass out on the couch afterwards because it's all I have the energy for, at least it was energy well spent. It was one stupid night, one night of too much food. I know it was a bad decision and I don't have to repeat it tonight. Today's a new chance to feel good and channel my stress in a much better way than onto my spoon!
Tonight I have plans to play tennis. I'm going to run around and have fun and get some endorphins going. Tomorrow night I have an appt with my trainer. I WILL NOT cancel or reschedule.