"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices."
- Paul Tournier *
Reflections on Monday night's binge-fest:
Monday afternoon I had an appointment with my crazy lady where I told her all about how I haven't binged in months and how it doesn't occur to me anymore to do that. Interesting how that very night I binged again. Yes, I'm stressed out, yes I'm overwhelmed, but I have better tools now.... so where did that come from?
I've decided that it was a few things. A)I think it was hormones. B)I think it was me trying to test myself to see if bingeing might still work if I try really hard. Like a security blanket or a safety word, I wanted to see if I could still fall back on it. Luckily, I found that I can't. C) I think it was one off night that doesn't mean much in the long run.
The morning after my binge, I ran into a coworker who asked me if I've been losing weight. SCORE! Perfect reminder that one night doesn't change a thing. I've worked hard, I've lost weight and I'll continue to if I keep going!
What I find surprising and quite comforting about all of this is that I used to binge nightly (or almost). I was hiding from my feelings and punishing/numbing myself with food 3 or 4 nights a week! No wonder I couldn't lose weight and didn't have the motivation to work out. I was literally stuffed with food. Or I was beating myself up for being stuffed, or anticipating the next secret binge. Talk about a cycle. I remember thinking I would never be able to stop it. I couldn't imagine being able to go a week without a binge. Now I can go months. Hooray! {Reminder to focus on the good things and the progress!}
I also remember never really feeling hungry. Mentally yes, but not physically. It's quite amazing that my health is overall as good as it is. Great cholesterol, great blood pressure, great blood sugar {take that, inner bitch voice - undeniable greatness! ;)}
I have come to terms with the fact that some days will be harder than others. And sometimes I might want to binge. Some days I'll win, and some days I might stumble down the path of snacky bingeitude.
That's life.
My favorite lesson to date: Perfect is a myth (and a dangerous one). It too me many, lots of anguish and damn hard work to figure that one out. That's one thing I'm happy to quit! Now I'm free of trying to be perfect every day and, in turn, having to disappoint myself every day. No wonder I had such reason to binge so frequently!
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* Note: I don't really know anything about Paul Tournier, but I loved the quote when I read it today and thought it perfect for today's post.
