I think that happiness is a choice, a decision, not a natural constant state of mind. It's a lovely fantasy for me to think that some people are just happy all the time and if I hope hard enough, that person could be me. It's more important for me to realize that each moment contains a choice. The more I've been conscious of this fact, the more I've chosen to put on a smile or to think of the positive. Sometimes, even if the smile is fake or I'm pulling a ridiculously shallow thought like "I'm lucky because I have an iced coffee to drink", it can turn my mood upside down eventually.
I know I still have a lot of stuff to wade through in regards to what has led to me having an eating disorder. And I know I still have to work to beat this disorder and a fake smile isn't always going to be enough....but it's a start.
I'd been meditating on this choice of happiness a lot lately and it's one of the things that gets me out of bed in the morning. I love to sleep in. On top of that, I'm not very good at getting up. Those are two very different things and the combination is messy. Mornings that I'm moaning and trying to hide my head under the covers are many. But I became aware one morning that while I still am able to get up and run around my apartment getting ready and going to work and being around people and laughing and being alive, I should embrace all of that. Even the not-so-fun parts like a day of filing at work or taking out the garbage or paying bills. Because I can.
This week a man I know died. It's hard for me to even refer to him as a man, really, because he was just a 23-year old kid. His best friend, A, is a close friend of mine and the two of them are some of the nicest, funniest, warmest people I know. And they've both known more than their fair share of tragedy already. I'm still kind of struggling to figure out how I feel about it and what it means. But it has also opened my eyes a bit more to what's important. It's holding on to that I'll have to remember.... People always make these promises to themselves when someone dies that they won't take their friends for granted, that they'll exercise more, that they'll call their mothers once a week.....I don't want to make any of those morbid resolutions. But this is now the second person I've known in the past year who has passed long before their time. It's a wake up call, if nothing else, for me. And a terrible tragedy for those two men...
(without the heroin bit - "Choose Life" a la Trainspotting):
'Choose life, choose a job, choose a career, choose a family, choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments, choose a starter home, choose your friends. Choose leisure-wear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite and higher purchase and a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you've spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future, choose life.'
Today I'm grateful for: Breath, warmth, love