The Bingey Monster strikes...

I hurt my back over the weekend and am struggling to stay on track since then. The pain and immobility has me seeking comfort and is trying to drive me back to my old habits of turning to food for comfort.

I found myself wandering over to the candy aisle at the drugstore last night after I picked up my prescription for muscle relaxers. I didn't buy the candy, but not because I didn't want to. I was struggling with the decision and talked myself down from a whole bag of Reese's Pieces eggs or some other large candy chocolate treat. I knew it was too much, that I would probably end up eating it all or making myself sick. So I had decided that I would just go for a small bag. Jelly beans or chocolate? I knew that I would indulge in everything I brought home, so I was feeling good about bargaining with myself and choosing to just get a single serving.

My boyfriend was waiting for me and I asked if he wanted something. He didn't seem to want anything and when I pushed again (trying to get him to choose something to reduce the guilt I was feeling for even buying anything), he responded with, "Nah, I'm all set. We already have candy at home." Pretty straightforward and perfectly fine answer.

What I HEARD though was, "you're disgusting, you and your candy eating repulse me, you already have enough to make you put on all the weight you've lost plus lots more, why do you want candy, you're gross and always will be."

Hmmm, projecting much?

I put (alright, practically threw) the small bag of jelly beans I'd chosen back and very icily (read:total bitch) told him to "forget it", I was ready to go home. I hobbled ahead of him out of the store in a ridiculous huff. He, of course, had NO idea why I had turned like this and what was going on.

We talked it through later and he explained that he just wasn't craving anything and because he didn't particularly want anything at that moment, he figured he could just have some of the treats we had at home if he decided he wanted anything. What I perceived him saying was what I was actually saying to myself. All the negative stuff I'd been trying to quiet in my head came pouring out when he opened his mouth. The thing about him is that he's totally supportive of me, he loves me, he thinks I'm beautiful and beyond that, he doesn't attach the emotional weight to food that I do. So I rationally KNOW that what he said he meant is what he meant. Ugh.

My reaction scared me a lot because it was so intense and I know that the pain was driving it. I haven't had a reaction like that where I've automatically and easily reverted to the self-hate tactics in a while now.

BUT what I feel good about as I type this out is that after all that, I didn't go for the candy. I didn't find a replacement when I got home to binge with. I thought it through, I took some deep breaths and I talked about it. And I didn't have any more cravings or need to eat for comfort. I worked through it.

Each piece of this exchange would have caused a massive binge in the past - the pain, the desire to comfort myself with candy, the comment from my bf, all of it. And I would have binged, and I would have numbed out, and I would have felt more out of control and worse afterwards. The "all or nothing" idea that I either had to be "perfect" or I was a "total failure" would have taken over and that would be a way to punish myself when I started to feel good and healthy and happy. But I don't rely on perfect anymore. I rely on steady and stable and normal. And that means that sometimes it will be tough.

My eating isn't spectacular right now, though I am tracking, as I just don't have the energy or ability to be mobile enough to make a lot of healthy meals and snacks. I am tracking though and that's focus I'm grateful for. I am not sure if I'll see a loss this week after last week's 5 lbs, so I'm jsut focused on getting through this pain and staying positive and good to myself.

Thursday Check-in

Being kind to myself this week really paid off! That fluke weigh-in last week was corrected on the scale this week and I had a total loss of 5.2 lbs! That brought me to my 5% milestone and up to a total of 12 lbs lost. I have to say that when I just focus and actually stay on the plan all week, it's a lot easier than when I don't track, try to guess and indulge too much.

I'm taking over the coordination of the WW program at work, so that's just gives me a little extra investment in the program, if that makes sense.


This week's goals:

1. Keep tracking, it's working.

2. Get back to BodyPump classes - at least once a week.

3. Start the couch to 5K training program this week.

Last week's goals:

1. Don't let this week's slight gain get me off track. (should be easy enough, I'm feeling okay about it, if anything it motivated me more) ACCOMPLISHED

2. Make at least one class at the gym during the week and one yoga class on the weekend. ALMOST ACCOMPLISHED

3. Track 7 days. ACCOMPLISHED

4. Relax and be kind to myself! ACCOMPLISHED. Took the weekend off and spent it relaxing, doing small errands, cooking and baking. This was partially due to not feeling well, but it at least slowed me down enough to relax.

4. Try at last one recipe out of my new cookbooks: ACCOMPLISHED. Made muffins trom the Mark Bittman book and planning to make some sides from the Giada cookbook over the weekend. So far so good!

As if I'm not already paranoid enough about aging

then the Daily Mail comes along and drops this bomb on my head:

Old age begins at 27

I did see a few new grays on the crown of my head this morning while I was applying copious amounts of moisturizer to my face and trying to keep my Crest Whitestrips on my teeth.

Ugh.

I almost forgot...National Pi Day!

How could I forget that March 14th is National Pi Day!?

To celebrate, I'm going to sit down with Martha and learn a thing or two about pie crust.

I have to confess here that I quite often cheat and just buy the pre-packaged Pillsbury crusts (gasp, but they're just sooo easy and convenient!) but it's time for me to make an effort and learn some skills.

I might make a chicken pot pie as well just because, frankly, I make a mean chicken pot pie and it's the perfect comfort food for my relaxing weekend (and what a good reason to make extra crust!).

Thursday Check-in

This week's goals:

1. Don't let this week's slight gain get me off track. (should be easy enough, I'm feeling okay about it, if anything it motivated me more)

2. Make at least one class at the gym during the week and one yoga class on the weekend.

3. Track 7 days.

4. Relax and be kind to myself!

4. Try at last one recipe out of my new cookbooks:



Last week's goals:

1. Keep tracking every day and believe that if I follow the program, I will keep seeing results. I did the believing but not all of the tracking. It showed on the scale.
2. Work out on at least 4 days, including 2 strength training workouts (This afternoon I'm going to go snowshoeing). Got at least 4 days of exercise in! A great start.

3. I am going to take TessaJ's advice and put a dollar in my change jar for every time I work out. Woo hoo $5!
4. Start my new blog feature - Tuesday Reviews. In draft form still.

5. Go to my first book club meetup on Tuesday. Getting out and trying new things and meeting new people has been scary for me for a while as I've settled into my own insecurities. Time to branch out! The book is Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan (which I also need to read a lot more of before Tuesday!) Work got in the way! Next month.

Last week's exercise:

Thurs: 1 mi snowshoe (25 min)
Sat: 3.5 mile walk (1 hr)
Sun: The Shred DVD, L1
Monday: 2 mi min snowshoe (45 min)
Tuesday: 2.1 mile walk (30 min)

Comments

I've been told that people are having trouble leaving comments on my blog...not sure what the issue is, but I'll look into it! Stay tuned.

HYC Update

The last month or so I've really pulled it together and been focused on myself and my goals. I've been eating better, actually making choices instead of just mindlessly snacking, tracking more often so I understand what I'm eating and when, and really visualizing and defining what I want for myself and my health.

What I hadn't been so good at is finding energy or motivation to exercise. I think I might have been a bit hard on myself since I was in the middle of moving, packing, cleaning and running around (and the scales were still showing a loss!). So this week my motivation for exercise has increased and I'm guessing the 60 degree days this weekend certainly helped! I did a lot of walking and just generally feeling energetic and alive. Ah, but with that exercise has come a laxness with eating. Less tracking, a few too many snacks. I'm down a point this week (woo hoo!) so I'm adjusting to that as well. Wait, who am I kidding? Last week I was having a hard time eating all my points each day, so I'm really fine in that regard. Nice try for an excuse though, right?

My clothes are fitting better - this is the first week I've really noticed! My pants fit a little more loosely, I wore a skirt last week that I won't be able to wear again AND I wore a pair of jeans this weekend I haven't worn in MONTHS. I almost didn't t ry them on, but as soon as I put them on my boyfriend told me how hot they looked. That they fit and looked good to boot was proof enough that yes, my commitment and this WW stuff is really working!

Thursday - Check-in Day

Weighed in today and had another 2.6lb loss. It was actually more than I expected but I was so happy to see my focus and efforts paid off!

Time to set some more goals and update on last week's.

This week's goals:

1. Keep tracking every day and believe that if I follow the program, I will keep seeing results

2. Work out on at least 4 days, including 2 strength training workouts (This afternoon I'm going to go snowshoeing)

3. I am going to take TessaJ's advice and put a dollar in my change jar for every time I work out.

4. Start my new blog feature - Tuesday Reviews

5. Go to my first book club meetup on Tuesday. Getting out and trying new things and meeting new people has been scary for me for a while as I've settled into my own insecurities. Time to branch out! The book is Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan (which I also need to read a lot more of before Tuesday!)

(path in the forest where I plan to go snowshoeing today. I took this during my walk on a very cold and windy Wednesday.)

Last week's goals:

1. Buy (and use!) a food scale - heard great reviews about both the Oxo Good Grips and the WeightWatchers scales ACCOMPLISHED - bought a Salter scale that I plan to review soon.

2. Work out on at least 4 days (I should really pop open that 30-Day Shred with Jillian Michaels DVD I bought!). Updated: Two of these workouts should include strength training. Only worked out twice.

3. Finish unpacking all but my books (need to buy a new bookcase) Still haven't found a new bookcase. But I got lots of clothes put away.

4. Rework budget to be a bit more concrete ACCOMPLISHED - and I paid a few extra bills to get myself ahead.

Recipe - Lemon Chicken with Pasta and Green Beans

4 oz. whole wheat or blend pasta, like rotini or penne
1 ½ cups cooked green beans
10 oz. uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast
1 tsp. black pepper
1 tbsp. olive oil
3 garlic cloves, sliced or crushed
½ tbsp. crushed red pepper
½ cup low-sodium, fat-free chicken broth
1 small lemon, juiced and zested
Salt, to taste
1 oz. parmesan, grated

Serves 4.

WW points - 5 pts per serving

Directions:

Cook the pasta in a large pot of boiling water, until al dente. Drain and set aside. (If using frozen beans, you can cook them right in the pot with the pasta.)

While the pasta is cooking, season chicken with some black pepper. Heat a large grill pan or electric grill and add chicken. Grill until golden and completely cooked. Remove to a plate and slice into 1" fingers.

Add the garlic and red pepper to a pan with 1 tbsp olive oil and sauté until fragrant. Add the cooked pasta and beans and turn heat off. Mix together with ½ cup of chicken broth or some reserved cooking liquid from the pasta.
Stir in chicken to the pasta and season with salt and pepper. Add the juice of lemon and lemon zest and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

Before serving, top with parmesan.

Thoughts:

Light and lemony, spicy and delicious. If you like it more spicy, add more crushed red pepper when serving. If you have broccoli in the house or some other vegetable to use up, feel free to make adjustments. This recipe works well with substitutions.

I totally forgot to take a picture of this when I made it last night so I apologize. I wanted to post the recipe anyway.

Lemon Chicken With Pasta